Thursday, April 24, 2014

Good Ideas That Are Also Bad Ideas

"I don't always have a good idea, but when I do it's a bad idea."

Morning Readers,

Have you ever had one of those moments where your dog kills a snake in the backyard and you're obviously not going to be the one to throw it away, so you ask your husband to take care of it, but he says something like, "Why don't you just scoop it up with the shovel?"

And then you just sit and blog instead because does he really expect me to pick it up with a shovel?

And the subject/verb agreement of your sentences is completely wrong because you're pretty disturbed by the entire thing?

The past few poorly constructed sentences are a great example of a bad idea. But sometimes, even ideas that are good can turn out to be bad, even though, at their core, they're good ideas.

(Regular good ideas are self-explanatory and look like ice cream, or making sure I'm wearing Spanx before I go to a sit-down dinner.)

Taking all of the kids in at the same time to get their well-child checkups seemed like a good idea. After all, most difficult things are better if they're done in one, fell swoop. Why drag three different kids to three different appointments, if all I had to do was make one, horrendous, extremely traumatic morning out of it? A little hair loss and night terrors for the next three consecutive days never hurt anyone.

The thing about pediatricians' offices (for those that haven't traversed this particular, terrifying plain) is it's similarity to being incarcerated with a minimal sentence.

Your crime?

Making sure your kids are healthy by having someone poke and prod them until they're hysterical and don't look healthy at all.

So they stick you in the cooler to think about what you've done. There are no toys in the exam room, only a sink, one ream of wax paper, and a rolly chair. Just enough items for three, small children to make your stay as difficult as possible. But things eventually kick off...

Overall Heath

Doctor: Do you have any concerns?
Me: About what?
Doctor: About their health.
Me: Oh, I thought you meant the wax paper. I'm really sorry we unrolled and re-rolled the entire thing. Must've been fifty feet in there. Not sure how sanitary the rest of your day will be. Ok, now were you talking about the one in the sink or the two under the table?

Weight and Height

Nurse: Ok, if you could just un-diaper the baby and get him to sit still on this scale,
Me: Have you ever heard the song "The Impossible Dream" from Man of La Mancha? Let me sing it for you now.

Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots

Nurse: Ok, you'll just need to hold them down.
Me: That's a relief. I needed a reason to feel like the worst mother in the world today.
Nurse: Ok, your son is first, where are the other two?
Me: His sister is terrified and the baby just ran for his life down the hall.
Nurse: Someone will intercept him.
Me: Too bad. A small part of me was rooting for him to make it all the way to the car.

Money Train

Billing Lady: Ok, how would you like to pay today?
Me: I think we can all agree this day was already purchased with tears and bitter regret.
Billing Lady: Credit?
Me: Pretty much. I forgot to liquidate the yacht, so here we are.

We made it home in one piece, but the children were remiss to let me live the injustice down. The baby shouted, "I hurt!" at me, right before he rolled over to sleep last night, so it may be a while before they trust again.

And now I'm off to practice my "You're picking up the snake" face for Husband, which is, in my opinion, a one-hundred-percent certified good idea.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Monday, April 21, 2014

Mrs. Kellerman's Home For Candy Addicted Children

"The giant Easter bonnet is great camouflage when the kids come looking for my secret store of pastel candy corn."

Afternoon Readers,

What is it with kids wanting to walk around in their socks outside?

That question has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm talking about today, but seriously, I just don't get the appeal. Then again, maybe there's a joy about dragging your brand new Hello Kitty feet covers through the mud I'm missing out on in my old age.

Note to self: Put on socks and walk around in the sandbox this weekend to verify whether I'm a crappy parent or not.

Second note to self: You probably don't want to know. Scrap experiment. Keep herding children blindly.

Really, the sock thing is one of the more normal things the children are attempting to do today. The twenty-four hours after Easter are fairly brutal on the blood glucose level front. I blame the Easter bunny. He or she was extremely reckless with the candy-buying, begging the question, should a plastic grocery bag every weigh more than a baby calf?

Thursday, April 17, 2014

The Top Ten Reasons To be Four Years Old

"I love em'. They said my hair looks like a stunned otter, but I love em'."

Morning Readers,

The climate around the Split level has been pretty busy lately. I keep fixing and painting to get the house ready to sell, and the children march dutifully behind me, taking things apart and putting hand prints in the wet paint. Hand over my heart, if we ever get this banana stand prepped for the great playing field that is the real estate market, no one will be more shocked than I.

Where's Ty Pennington when you actually need his charisma, mitering skills, and enthusiasm for perfectly touched-up highlights?

But even in the midst of the chaos that is spackling while listening to children throw glass tumblers down the stairs to see if they'll break, sparks of joy have been caught here and there.

The twins will be four next month, and along with being a little more calm and something close to rational, I've noticed there are some definite perks to being as old as and average college degree.

The Ten Best Things About Being Four Years Old

1. You can wear a tutu everywhere and every grandma within a ten mile radius will tell you how fancy you are.

(As an adult, I can only dream of wearing a tutu in the public sphere. Mainly because people would think I was drunk. And the chances are pretty good I would be.)

2. You can wear your Spider Man shoes on the wrong feet and no one says anything.

3. You can ask, within earshot, why people are fat, thin, hairy, short, have red hair, have brown hair, have no hair, or why they're buying so much cereal, and people generally look the other way.

4. You can poke people in the butt with a pirate sword and not risk a sexual harassment suit.

5. Your underwear's on backwards, and you know what? It's gonna be a great day because you put them on that way on purpose. 

6. The woman in charge is practically making it rain fruit snacks to stem the tide of your relentless question asking. Hmm, time to ask 'why' again.

7. As far as you're concerned, dandelions are flowers. You parent's backyard is full of these beauties, and why they don't pick them and put them in a decent vase is beyond you. Fine, you'll make a vase yourself. Now, where did that coffee can go?

8. Life will not get any better than pulling all the tape out of the tape measure and watching it snap back, narrowly missing cutting a hand off.

9. An entire bag of Skittles to yourself? No one said you were going to win the lottery today.

10. You can spill, break, run over, shatter, fall off of, kick, shout at, whack with a stick, fall over, and dunk everything in water you come across in a twenty-four hour time frame, and the woman in charge still loves you.

....Well, she yells, but she loves you.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Monday, April 14, 2014

My Big, Fat Mouth

"Afraid? Honey, I named my poodle Risk just so I could embrace it. Good boy, Risk."

Morning Readers,

A couple of days ago, the twins found a thirty-five count pack of envelopes in my room, opened it, and sealed every, last one. I now have zero envelopes.

Ok, now that we've gotten last week's parenting high point out of the way, let's take a look at the low, lowest, and HiddenValley parenting moment as of late.

"I'm too afraid to let the kids play with my iPad. I'm sure they'll break it."

As we stood in the lush, green grass of our cousin's yard, watching the kids step on each other to go down the slide first, I looked over and shook my head my sister-in-law. "Nah, the kids won't break it. I let the baby use ours to watch shows while I get dressed. If I don't, he stares at me or tries to burn the house down."

"You do?"

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

It's a Remergency!

"We'd love to stick around, but someone just called in a remergency."

Morning Readers,

I don't usually use exclamation points in my post titles, but as the Split level is still buzzing from recent events, I had to convey the general tizzy of the last day or so.

A remergency. For those of you who don't know, it's like an emergency, but instead of important news carried via adult, it's shouted at you by a three-year-old while you're on the toilet.

"Remergency! Remergency! We have a remergency!"

I mentally slapped myself for going to the bathroom, knowing I had children.


"What is it? What's so remergent?"

Monday, April 7, 2014

And Now... Another Drawer-Full of Odds and Ends

"Who are these soapless people?"
Morning Readers,

First off, I'd just like to say the entries in this month's caption contest are killing me. In a good way.

Keep at it, folks.

The sunshine you're sprinkling in my life is invaluable. It's also valuable. Additionally, it means more to me than two candy bars falling out of a machine at once. And that's a lot.

You wanna know something else? As you read this, I'm somewhere else besides the blog. That's right, while it seems my voice is stationary and in your head, I'm also being broadcast to the greater KC Metro area, on Kansas City Live. If the implication of me being fed to the public in that many mediums is disturbing, I agree.

Let's form a circle and be unnerved together. I'll bring the chips.

But I say, why hurl yourself off the crazy train when you can ride that enchilada all the way to what-the-hells-she-talking-about town? So, instead of talking about something concise and mind-bending, let's check out some other strange odds and ends seen around the Split level lately....

Thursday, April 3, 2014

April Caption Contest

Morning Readers,

It's that time again.

Yes, I haven't been to the hairdresser for almost a year, so it's that time again too.

But we're not here to talk about my looks-slightly-better-than-seaweed roots. Nay, it's time for this month's caption contest. And now a quick rule briefing. Because a long rule briefing isn't even a briefing. *everyone nods in unison*

What's in it for you?

Nothing. Kidding. Wait, will you take nothing? I didn't think so because you're like me. OK, every month's winner gets a free paperback copy of At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles, and I'll even write out, in ink, the fact your a caption champion, on the inside.

I really wanted to give away a pony or ten thousand dollars every month, but we have a mortgage and the cars are always near death. You know how it is.


1.) Be awesome. But since you're here, I think we can check that off the list.

2.) Comment with as many captions as you like but try to keep it PG. This does not stand for "poached goats."

3.) Captions can be dialogue, commentary, headlines or whatever made you snort when you thought about it.

4.) No ripping on other people's captions. We love each other here. Hug a friend. Don't tear apart their carefully crafted imaginary headline, etc.

Oh my gosh, rules are exhausting. That was four whole sentences. Ok, get to it. This month's winner announced on April 28th!

Until Next Time, Readers!