Friday, August 13, 2010

To Kill the Dog or not Kill the Dog...That is the Question

It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that an unwatched dog is in search of some type of trouble to get into, in order to drive his owner bat s*** crazy. If you think I'm lying, you've never owned a dog. Either that, or you're the owner of a two-legged, blind chihuahua who can't get into trouble by default.
Whoa is me, for I have the other kind of K-9......the kind that searches......the kind that destroys.....the one we call..Flea.
For those of you who don't know, Flea is a 100lb, one year old boxer; because of this, he looks like a grown dog, but acts like a retard( Please note: this is not meant to be derogatory towards those who have the condition, but is instead, the only way I can describe my dog). Lately, among the usual hole digging, underwear eating, and the occasional chasing of the mail lady, my dear dog has decided to undertake super secret stealth missions designed specifically to drive be absolutely insane.
Item# 1: My dog enjoys the savory flavor of used diapers. This is particularly disgusting for obvious reasons, but what really gets me is the fact that he guts them and proceeds to grind their contents into my neatly Carpet-Freshed floors...mmm...poo carpet...........yum.
Item#2: He enjoys leaving slick, glistening trails of drool along my bed sheets as if to say, " Yes, I did lick my undercarriage profusely this morning, but please, the drool on your pillow is my gift to you...enjoy."
Item#3...........and probably the most infuriating of all, came to me at a time when all was right with the world. A time when I'd stepped out of the shower, basking in the feeling of being clean and relieved of by baby duties. A time when I glanced down and observed......a hole.....in.....my......wall. Arrrgh!!!
Yes dear readers, my idiot of a dog eats drywall..er plaster..oh hell, I don't know what the walls of a 50 year old house are made of, but so help me if mans "best" friend doesn't enjoy rolling it around on his defined palate and over his sumptuous jowls.
As I've informed my husband and constant champion of our pooch, his furry companion has 1 year to straighten up his act. After that, it's a one way ticket to Nothereanymoreville. I'm sure others have experienced my pain. I'm not an animal hater by any means, but seriously? Anyone?.... Anyone?