Friday, September 17, 2010

Can You Please Make My Baby Cry?...Again

Good Morning Readers,

Lets start today by doing a little exercise in imagination. I'd like you to close your eyes and envision yourselves sitting in a very small room. It's quite cold and poorly lit. You feel totally alone. In the distance, you hear a child crying. All of the sudden, a large woman, who looks to be of Viking origin, throws open the door and demands that you both strip your child naked and follow her to the room at the end of the hall. For those of you who thought I was describing a Kubrick film, you're close, but not quite. For everyone else that guessed that it's just another trip to my childrens' doctor....please accept this gold star.
     Ahh, the four month check-up. This is what my husband and I were up to yesterday. For those of you who’ve never been blessed with a trip to the pediatrician, I can only give you a rough description of what could only be described as a nightmarish, medical, Disneylandesque jaunt. Reason being, is that you really must take it in for yourself sometime. I insist.
     No, really. There’s honestly nothing more enjoyable than hauling two very hefty babies to the fourth floor of a building in the hopes of making it to the appointment on time. It doesn’t really matter however, as you will be made to entertain your children like a circus clown while you wait for another 20 minutes to see the doctor.
     When you’re finally fortunate enough to be called, you are then herded into the aforementioned tiny, freezing room, where, you’re asked to undress your babies. This works out wonderfully, as your child is already frightened and crying…why not make them shiver as well? You're then forced
to lay each naked child on an equally freezing scale…all the while hoping that they won’t pee on it. The rest of the visit plays out like so:

1.)    Diaper baby and comfort back to semblance of calm

2.)    Wait 20 minutes for the doctor while flipping through the 1988 issue of Highlights magazine....still can't find all hidden objects  

3.)    Doctor comes in and pokes at your previously calm baby. Baby resumes crying.

4.)    Doctor gives you orders for a skin cream for your son’s skin problem. You’re fine with this except  for the fact that she doesn’t speak English very well, and it sounds like you’re supposed to go pick up something from the deli…

5.)  Doctor cheerfully informs you that your babies get shots that had no idea.

6.)   Subsequently, both babies are thoroughly stuck with needles and resume crying...Yes!

By the time, you get everyone back in the car seats, you pretty much feel like a war refugee. In this state, you struggle up to the check out in order schedule yet another appointment. This either goes smoothly, and you exit find out that you owe some kind of money and end up bargaining like a barn yard auctioneer. "200?, Will you take 50?...How bout 75?..What if I throw in this bracelet?...100?...Sold!"

All in all, it's really quite delightful. I feel very fortunate that I get to look forward to doing this whole routine at the 6th, 9th and 12 month marks. I am a luuucky lady. But, on the bright side, at least I know that when that outbreak of measles, mumps, rubella, polio, rare jungle flu, and mad cow breaks kids aren't going to be the crazy, diseased infested ones running the streets, infecting everyone with their bite. However readers, please do watch out for those children.....until tomorrow