Friday, October 22, 2010

And Now a Note on Bathroom Solace

I’m taking a time out today so that I can speak to you about a very serious life lesson that’s finally come full circle and bit me in the metaphorical butt. It’s something that I used to laugh about as a child because I had no idea how serious the situation actually is, and how many innocent mothers it affects. Today I’d like to make amends to my own poor mother by addressing the “No Mother Left Alone in the Bathroom” crisis.

For every one of my readers who isn’t a mother, please continue reading as you’ll more than likely find it amusing, seeing as how you’re still considered an offender. For all my readers who are mothers and have graduated to status of victim, please read along and try not to cry as I paint the following picture…..

All is quiet on the home front. Like a war-torn and savvy soldier, you creep around the corner and notice that the “enemy” is sleeping, playing with toys, watching cartoons, etc. Like a cat, you leap into action, sneaking down the hall (or in my case, you scale the stairs on all fours like it’s Mount Everest, in the desperate attempt to minimize the squeaking of a 40 year old home.), and run into the commode.

Once there, you stop and listen…good…no noise. You sit down as quickly as possible while simultaneously grabbing the first piece of bathroom literature you can. Calvin and Hobbes, People, The Far Side, The Big Bathroom Reader, it doesn’t really matter because you just want to read SOMETHING in peace and quiet.

Alas, for it is not to be. As a general rule, the instant..THE INSTANT..you crack open that delightful piece of literature and begin your business, you hear it. It starts as a low cry or a quiet “Mom?”. You try desperately to ignore it. You try to tell yourself that you’ll only be there for a few minutes and they’ll be fine. But…..it comes again, louder this time. “Mooooom?”…or in a babies case, it’s the steady building to what is sure to be a hysterical cry, culminating in a full out Waaaaaa!!!!!

You sigh heavily, and throw your book to the side. You don’t really need to go to the bathroom right? Almost positive you’ve heard stories of prison camp women holding it for days at a time, you tell yourself that you can pencil the bathroom back in at 8pm on Saturday night….after all, that’s only 3 days away.

Mind you, this is just a generalization, but I’m pretty sure I’ve hit the nail on the head here. This brief post is really just meant to raise awareness for the cause. If you or some poor mother you know suffers at the hands of this phenomena, please stay strong, as you have fellow sisters of the lavatory that support you. If however, you happen to be a current offender, please take a second to think before you knock simply to ask where the extra paper towels are.

Until next time Readers!