Thursday, January 13, 2011

Today's Forecast...Poop With a Chance of Vomit

Good Morning Readers,

First off, if you're still reading after seeing the title of today's post, thank you very much. It's a tad vulgar, but it was honestly the most accurate name for yet another smelly/near-death experience I was put through this past week. I guess I could've written about anything else today, namely, the fantastic time I had shoveling my driveway on Monday, or the last few days of cabin fever-induced staring contests I enjoyed with husband....but let's face it, baby messes are way more interesting, especially when they involve questioning the very mortality we come to take for granted. So, here we go...
     For the eightieth time this past Monday, my son needed to be changed. As my daughter can't be trusted by her lonesome anymore, this meant that I had to drag her along with us up to the oft-used changing table(which, by now, probably hates us for how much it's been peed on).  Entering their room, I set my daughter on the floor to play with toys, and plopped my son down on the table. Removing his diaper, I realized, with a sweet mix of disappointment and horror,  I had an "Up the Backer" on my hands (For a complete definition on this particular phenomena, please see my previous post It's A Jungle Around Here...No Really). Green poop was everywhere; stuck to his back and climbing up his neck. It was a sticky and annoying mess that called for more than the usual two wipe job. Oh Grossness....

     Matters were soon complicated by my son's penchant for being able to twist and move like a dolphin ripped from the wild and cruelly shoved into captivity via giant fishnet. Flailing with all the force he could muster, my fat little boy managed to work the poop up his back, over his feet, and paste it thoroughly all over the back of his head. His hair, standing up in smelly little peaks, signaled that a simple diaper change had quickly become an unexpected bath situation. Oh, but dear Readers, it was about to get so much worse. 
     In the midst of this turmoil, from behind me, I began to hear choking sounds.. the kind of sounds that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up and chills run down your back. Poop all over my hands, I turned quickly to witness my poor baby daughter choking violently behind me...the kind of choking that leaves no doubt that your kid can't breathe.  Her face turning scarlet and panic in her eyes, her baby paws reached for me in desperation. In short, I was trapped in a situation which called for me to become an elastic-based super hero who could both, hold her poop-covered son on the changing table to prevent him from falling to his death, aaaaand be able to administer the Heimlich maneuver one-handed.
     God only knows how this was accomplished, but, with one hand holding my son in place, I scooped up my little girl with other, threw her over my knee and whacked her back in desperation...all the while alternating this procedure with the "scoop the mouth move" I'd somehow retained from one year of lifeguard training. What came out  of her was an itty bitty piece of paper that "plopped" on the carpet unceremoniously. With great relief and annoyance, I realized that this was, in fact, a piece of the People magazine I had so "brilliantly" let her rip to pieces the night before, in the attempt to keep her busy while I finished curling my hair. Crap, this was so my fault.
    The whole ordeal was wrapped up neatly by my baby girl puking rivers all over the floor, and my son- having been left to his own wiggling- being so covered in butt mud that I was only able to find him by searching desperately for the whites of his eyes...ugh. My daughter then thanked me for my quick thinking by looking at me seriously....and then pooping. I don't really know much at this point, but I'm now sure of two things A.)Having the lives of both your children threatened simultaneously; and B.) Letting your baby rip up magazines isn't the greatest idea on the off hand chance it's planning on ingesting it later. Ahh yes....and poop stinks.

Until next time Readers!