Friday, March 4, 2011

Moms Swimming: Enter At Your Own Risk

Hey Readers,

     Random fact: oatmeal, when flavored with maple syrup, actually tastes ok. That's not what I wanna talk about today, but it could be helpful if you're ever stranded with a bland bowl of oats staring back at you. Unfortunately, oatmeal isn't able to help me with what I'm trying to accomplish this morning. Like good ol' Cappy Ahab, I'm scouring the world wide web for my very own white whale. Or rather, some type of stretchy, water-resistant garment, to cover a great, white whale when it decides to flop its way to a water source and partake in social swimming activities. Unlike youthful years past, this season, I'm having to take into account everyone else's sensibilities, while choosing my bathing costume.
     I remember it like it was yesterday; strolling into the department store, making my way to the boundless rack of swimwear, my only concern, the color or pattern I'd pick.  

Oh how I hope they have polka dot two-pieces this year! Oh joy! Oh rapture!  It is no matter, for I will pick whatever strikes my fancy, find the number on the tag, which matches my unchanging body size, and hand the teller some currency for it. After which, I will throw it on and sprint to my nearest pool, unabashedly wearing it in front of crowds of strangers, completely unaware of any and all body flaws, which I probably don't have. Summer, how I'd love to wrap my arms around you and give you a big squeeze to congratulate you on just how comfortable you make me, with my body. Kisses!

     Who was that girl, and would it be socially acceptable to hunt her down and duct-tape her, upside-down, to the side of a barn, somewhere? Forget two-pieces, bikinis, and possibly even tankinis, my Google searches have brought me into the vicinity of whole-body-encasing garb. After typing a search for one-piece swimsuits, I was promptly directed to Bass Pro Shop, the search engine convinced that what I was actually looking for, was a pup tent. No Google, I do not want a tent...even if it does come with cup holders.
     The one-piece is where it's at this year. Anything that comes equipped with yards of fabric and several safety belts, I'm all over. A matching, floor-length jacket would only be a bonus.

Dear Manufacturer,

Do you make hoods, as well? I'd really like to conceal my identity, if possible.



     I'm not completely devoid of body-confidence. After all, I leave the house, with my body, everyday. Stretch marks and love handles have just done their best to complicate things. I once said that my belly looked like a "mopey muffin". To date, the muffin is still mopey, and has requested no public showings. Likewise, the stretch marks on my thighs (which bare a striking resemblance to 1950s race car flame decals), have also put in a written request to be concealed from the world. Not many options left.
     So here I am, another Friday in my pajamas, and a mouse-click-away from purchasing a one-piece, 1940s type suit. The skirt-bottom looks safe enough, and there seems to be enough fabric to keep youngsters safe from unintentional diving boards falls, caused by the site of me waddling into their pool.

Have a Great Weekend Readers!