Monday, March 28, 2011

Saturday Nights Are Great For Watching Women Get Beaten

Morning Readers,

     Something funny happens when you get married. As Saturday night creeps up, you no longer find yourself running to the closet to pick out something cute to wear, spending hours in the bathroom getting your makeup just right, or flat ironing your hair within an inch of its life, lamenting over that one wavy spot by your ear that you can never just. get. straight. Instead, you plunge your hand deep into the utensil drawer,  concentrating feverishly on finding the corkscrew. In my case, my fingers wrapped around my corkscrew friend just in time to rip him out of the drawer, grab "the big glass" and slam down next husband, on the couch. Just in time to find out what he'd picked out for "Saturday night grown-up movie time." An hour later, this is what was happening.


Me: "Sarah is soooo stupid. Why would you drag someone out in the desert if you didn't want to get in trouble? Ugh..put down that rock. Honey? She's gonna do it isn't she? Dumb, dumb, dumb."

Husband: "I'm not sure why she's fighting Bianca's battle anyway. Where's this anger coming from? Uh oh...here it comes. What a crazy b.... I mean. Oh, Babe, watch your glass, you're spilling. Well now she's in trouble for kidnapping and murder.

Me: "Good point. That and the fact that poor Julie's an accomplice now. You're spineless Julie. Spineless."

     THIS is what happens to married couples on Saturday night....they watch Lifetime. Having dropped the facade of perfect makeup and hair, they're left to accept that they enjoy doing ridiculous things together...like waiting tediously to see if Lola will get caught with the barrette tying her to her victim. I'm certain I love Husband the most, at times just like this:

"Well, that's all well and good Lola, but they're going to know you missed tennis practice. Your father...er...step-father?....he's on to you. Creepy head twitch? Don't you learn that in Psychopathic Acting 101?  Ha! Classic. "

" Well, there. See? I knew she'd confess. Ooo..no more wine for me. Bianca's free. I think I want some chocolate. Did you eat all of it?"

"No, I didn't. And besides that, do you think the Judge is really gonna forget the kidnapping and assault charges? What type of world do these people live in?"

     We both decided it was best not to infuse any type of reason into what we'd just watched. With Lifetime, it's best to let your brain get kind of mushy and then just move on. Either or, hand in hand, Husband and I advanced to the next level of coupledom. Because if you can't solve a murders together, in a wine-infused haze, then what do you really have?

Until Next Time Readers!