Monday, May 30, 2011

Don't Lose A Finger On Memorial Day

Morning Readers,

     Today I'll keep it short and sweet because a.) I only have nine more hours of daylight with which, to squeeze my form into a bathing suit and waddle to the local swimming hole, and b.) the puncture wounds in my pointer finger are making it difficult to type. So, while I'd like to remind you to remember all of our fallen vets, on this great day, I'd also like you to remember that teething babies are dangerous babies. On this Memorial day, if you find you simply must stick some type of medicine in a baby's mouth, for your own good, please check with this list first:

1.) Make sure the baby is not a cannibal

2.) Make sure the baby's other parent wasn't a snapping turtle

3.) Double-check the baby isn't a zombie

4.) Wear gloves (but not that "hip" pair without fingers you got at Urban Outfitters)

5.) With a pole or yard stick, gently poke the baby on the foot to see if it's aggressive. If it advances on you like a spider, back away and revisit the task later.

6.) Refrain from using a muzzle. This is counter-productive.

7.) Grab that tin whistle you told everyone you were going to learn play, and try to lull the baby beast with sweet music. If it hates music, use the whistle to complete step 5.

8.) In case you have to administer the teething medicine alone, leave a window open so the neighbors can hear you scream. You'll need someone to call and 911 when your pointer finger disappears..

9.) Don't trust the baby if it says it won't bite you. It will.

10.) Don't get uppity and make your own list. But if you do, don't use the neighbor to call me to help find your missing finger.

Until Next Time Readers!