Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Jurassic Park: A Parent's Best Friend

Morning Readers,

     Some people probably think referencing Jurassic Park is dated and irrelevant. And to those people I say, "Hogwash". Jurassic Park is not only a masterful work of fiction, its valuable life lessons will span the decades, teaching young children how to roll safely out of crashed jeeps, climb electrified fences, and run when Dr. Grant tells you to run. But more importantly, parents should be keeping a copy on their bedside table. Maybe some of my Readers have What To Expect or Jane Eyre next to their waterbeds. Do me a favor, throw them away, buy a copy of Jurassic Park, cover it in contact paper, write your name on it, and shove it under your pillow. That way, you'll be prepared for when your dinosaurs get smarter...

     This weekend found me fending for myself. Debilitated by a cold that turned into a sore throat and some sort of pain in my chest I had to Google to make sure wasn't tuberculosis, Butch, Sundance and I stayed at home while Husband enjoyed a much-deserved night out. The natives were restless, and, handicapped as I was, were being held back only by promises of cookies and bribes of ice cream.
     Parked in the floor, I sat poised with spoonfuls of vanilla bean, feeding them while they poked me in the face and shoulders with their fat fingers, ready to pounce at any, given moment. And then...
It ran out. Sundance had scored the last bite of frozen goodness, and the two of them realized, simultaneously, there was no more. The screaming started. I ran to the kitchen.
     After washing and throwing everything in the dishwasher, I crept back to the living room to find them miraculously playing with toys. The claws were gone, no one was screaming at me, because they'd forgiven me...


     I'd snuck back to the floor, started a dreadful movie of the Diane Keaton/Mandy Moore variety and settled against the couch, when I heard it...

Click, Click, Click...tap, tap...

     Slamming together, the cogs in my mind reliably pulled-out the most useful piece of jargon they could muster. And for a moment, all I heard was:

"They show extraordinary intelligence, even problem-solving. Especially the big one. We bred eight originally, but when she came in she took over the pride and killed all but two of the others. That one... when she looks at you, you can tell she's working things out."*

     A quick vision of Jurassic Park's  gamekeeper being ambushed after being decoyed by the pack, and I was on my feet faster than you could say "Sweet-Cheating-Govenators, Batman!", and flying to the kitchen, my pink pajamas flapping sadly behind me. But it was to late..
      Two, extraordinarily smart, baby raptors were sitting in the dishwasher. With the utmost caution, I crept up to one of them. It answered by brandishing a butter knife at me and saying, "Maaa...babababa", which I interpreted as, "There's the woman who stole the ice cream. We've claimed the dishwasher, and will now impale her with flatware!".
     Trying to conjure-up what Dr, Grant would do, moved slowly, circled behind and extracted all weapons from fat, feisty hands. Both raptors were promptly extracted from the dishwasher, and sent, screaming, into the next room. I closed the dishwasher until it "clicked", and felt some sort of security, until I heard another "click"...
     This week, I've entered a new era, one where fat, baby raptors have gotten smart enough to work dishwasher-handle-mechanisms. How does that make me feel?...Well,"terrified", for starters, but living in fear won't do me any good. This afternoon, I'll be pulling Jurassic Park off the shelves and anticipating how to defend myself...

Until Next Time Readers!



  1. Please send some of those dishwashing baby raptors my way. :) Thanks for the fun post. You actually have me considering picking up a copy of Jurassic Park.

  2. What's your address, Piper?...LOL. You should definitely pick up a copy. Not only is it a fantastic book, but it really does come in handy for any survival situation you may find yourself in..haha. Thanks for stopping by!..:)