Thursday, May 26, 2011

Sign Me Up, God. I'm Ready To Be Canonized Now.

Morning Readers,

     Do any of you happen to know where you can request an application for sainthood? I've spent the better part of the morning searching the Vatican's website for some type of form, brochure, or comment box, on which, I can make a case for beatifying myself. I know what you're thinking, That's mighty bold of you Paige, especially because we read your blog, and know just what type of person you are. Fair enough, but I'm not applying to be the patron saint of humility or sobriety. Perhaps if I tell you I've been taking care of two, sick children, while being sick myself, you'd hop on the interwebs and start looking for heaven's fax number yourselves.. Actually, do that...I could use some help, and I'm fairly certain my "clicking" finger is developing carpal tunnel..

     As usual, when I'm in most need of it, the all-knowing Parenting Handbook is found to be missing vital pages. Most notably, page 355, which no doubt, contained the formula for being sick and caring for sick off-spring simultaneously. I speculate it read something like:

a.) Clause 2: If a mother finds herself and her children ailing and in poor health, she must leave them with a distant relative, book a flight to the Bahamas and retire on a beach, until said ailment passes.Upon recovery, she may return to procure her children and go on happily with her life.*

*If you find your illness has been diagnosed as "The Black Plague", please burn all worldly possessions upon your return home. Thank you.

     Unfortunately, without this page, I've been left to figure out how to care for myself, Butch and Sundance without losing my mind. WebMD assured me we have an affliction known as the "common cold", but I have to wonder, is wanting to throw yourself from the nearest bridge common? I haven't noticed a heavy rain of people tumbling from my local bridges, but then, I don't get out much...
     Okay, I still haven't found that application for sainthood, so I think I'll make-up my own, be pro-active, and fax it directly to the Vatican. Here's a rough draft of what I'll be sending out:

                                                    Application For Sainthood

Name: Paige Kellerman
Weight: You don't weigh anything in heaven.
Eye Color: Blue..like the sky
Age:  Will this affect what bars I can get into? If not..26. If so...almost 27.
Have you ever been convicted of a felony: No, but I stole a pack of lifesavers when I was five...but you already knew that didn't you?
Any moving Violations: Yes, but I assumed I'd be flying not driving. Like I always say though, "Ever on the defensive."

Reason For Sainthood:

     Remember Joan of Arc? You probably do because she's likely the one filing this, but I'm pretty sure burning at the stake has nothing on what I've been going through. Sorry Joan, but have you ever had two toddlers with runny noses scream at you for three days straight? All the while, your head's pounding like.. like Thor took a hammer to it? (please disregard the pagan reference)
     I'm well-aware most of your applicants have done things like being eaten by lions or healed the sick miraculously, but there's gotta be some type of scholarship plan for a mother who's wiped more noses than Noah had animals (what was that, like 800? Maybe not, I'll read more of the Bible on my trip to see you guys).
     At any rate, take pity on a woman who's only wish has been to crawl into the fetal position and wait for her chills, stuffy nose and pounding head to go away, and instead, has found it within herself to rock, comfort and play with two, very cranky seventies-cowboy-moniker-ed babies.
     In closing, I'd just like to say, heaven sounds like a really nice place, and if you let me in, you'll never even notice me. I'll find a quiet tree (sans forbidden fruit) and catch up on my reading and writing for eternity.

Yours Truly,

Paige Kellerman

P.S. If this application is accepted, can I pick out a new name like "Saint Paige of The Witty Comments"? If this is pushing things, please disregard..


Until Next Time Readers!