Tuesday, May 10, 2011

To Butch And Sundance On Your First Birthday

Morning Readers,

     Today is a most auspicious occasion. It was on this day, one year ago, that God gave me license to parent. Luckily, the Big Man Upstairs is easier going than the DMV. Otherwise, I'd still be alone in a cubicle, unable to communicate with the outside world, wondering why happy hour wasn't something you could celebrate all day long at your desk. So today, I mark the occasion with a note to Butch and Sundance, the little cheeseburgers who've given me a new lease on life and who are truly responsible for our blog, dear Readers.. I won't go into the whole birth story; anyone who's interested in that debacle will be able to read about it in my new book, due out the instant an agent picks me up and convinces a publisher that people really do want to read about me pro-creating. Without further ado, I give you a birthday letter:


Dear Butch and Sundance,

      I'm writing to you today to let you know a few things. Mainly, that I love you very much. You're both extraordinary children who show great promise in everything you do. A relief to your Father and I, as we don't have any experience raising babies. The fact you both can walk and eat a cookie at the same time, helps us sleep better at night.
    You don't know this, but your Momma was a pretty selfish woman for most of her life. Because of you, my baby monkeys, I no longer worry about what I'm going to do to entertain myself, buy myself or how I'll spend my eight-hundred hours of free time. But you know what? That's ok, because playing hide-and-go-seek twelve times in a row is a a lot more rewarding than trying to figure out where I left my keys and whether doing a handstand can relieve a hangover. Besides, you're both damn cute. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently. If they do, they're just jealous...call me and I'll take care of it.
     I guess I could tell you that I love your smiles, and laughs and the way you get me excited to get out of bed in the morning (a phenomenon that hasn't been witnessed since Christmas 1996), but that falls a little flat. Butch, I love that you only have one tooth on top that makes you look like you walked out of Deliverance. That combined with your crazy head of hair, makes me crack up anytime you laugh and run out of the kitchen. Sundance, you're a princess whose fat cheeks and the fact that you grew hair at all, make me love you more than celebrities love free promotion. You're the best dancer I know, earning your nickname of Fancy Dancer. You're a shoe-in for Step Up Part VI....if they don't give you the roll, call me, and I'll take care of it.
     If I were a better Mamma, I'd thank you two for giving me direction in life, for being the reason that I started this blog, for nudging me back into writing, for helping me realize that I was meant for so much more than settling for other people's dreams and not my own. If I were a better Mamma, I'd thank you for all of that, but I'm not, and "mushiness" has never been my strong suit.
     Just know that I love you. And even if you two manage to cover the car in ice cream, later, I'll love you even more. Happy Birthday Butch and Sundance. Here's to another year of adventures.

Love,

Your Mamma