Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Beer's Folded and The Laundry's Cold: 12 Steps To Being The Perfect Housewife

Morning Readers,

     I'm starting to think Google doesn't always know what it's talking about. I know, I know, how can that be, right? Everyone knows every fact on the internet has been checked and referenced, but that doesn't mean I'm not popping the Advil bottle like a well-greased Pez dispenser... Why? Because being a housewife is hard work. I mean, I tried, I really did. After I told Google that yesterday was my first, official day as a full-time homemaker, it came up with a list of things I should be doing, and I did my utmost to adhere to it. Why then, am I still picking lipstick out of my teeth and nursing burn marks on my ankles?

     "Here, honey, move out the way so Momma can put these toys away. Daddy needs to think mommy did something all day, so he'll keep supporting her."

     That's one thing about babies, they just don't understand putting up a good front. It's all "cookies" this, and "Cheerios" that. No sense of a decent cover-up, a fact, glaringly apparent as I rushed around the house, yesterday evening, shoving things into cabinets and wiping tables with my shirt sleeve. "No, Sundance", I said. "Leave the broom in that corner. Daddy needs to think it got used. Butch, leave those disinfectant wipes in the order I laid them out. That's right, one next to the dishwasher..op..no, sweetheart, the other one next to the trashcan..thank you."
     When we made the deal, by light of full moon, Husband and I spit on our palms, and shook to the deal of accepting traditional gender roles. He went to work and broke his back, I held-down the fort and mastered housewifery. Simple enough. So, first thing yesterday morning, I pulled out my Google list and gave it my best shot.

Un-Revised Copy Of HouseWifery Schedule

1.) Wake up at 4am, shower, dress and apply full make-up. 
2.) Sneak downstairs and prepare stacks of pancakes, eggs and bacon for family.
3.) Kiss husband before work. Wake children with sunny smiles.
4.) Make cocktail
5.) Feed kids, clean kitchen.
5.) Don high heels and work on ironing, while children watch educational television.
6.) Run errands.
7.) Feed children, put down for nap.
8.) Make cocktail.
9.) Get children up from nap, make dinner and set the table.
10.) Cocktail
11.) Change into fresh dress and make-up, greet Husband with a smile.
12.) Make two more cocktails.

     I suppose everything would've gone pretty smoothly, but I began jumping around on the list and completing steps 4,8 and 10, before I did any of the other tasks. Ironing, in high heels, sounds easy enough, I just couldn't get a handle on the handle and spent most of my time trying to get my feet out of the way of falling irons. Readers, did you know you can apply for a skin-graft online?
     By 2pm, I'd put the kids down for a nap five times, applied my make-up eight, run errands, but came back with ice and nothing else, and realized I'd been letting the babies watch three hours of The Young and The Restless, not Yo Gabba Gabba.
      By the time Husband got home, he was greeted by a Barnum and Bailey clown icing burn marks on her ankles.

"Honey, you ok?"

"Good" I replied. "So good"

"How'd it go today?

"Gin and Tonic"

"That's not really an answer, Sweetie."


"Ok, well, since you don't have to go to work, why don't you go lay down?"

I looked up at him. "I swept"

     The wonderful man that he is, Husband made me dinner and helped me get the kids in bed. This morning, I reviewed my previous Google search. As it turns out, all those things Google had suggested, were a little out-dated. Having the irritating habit of setting my coffee mug on the keyboard, I hadn't noticed the numbers 1,9,5 and 0 had preempted every one of my searches. My "number lock" is now staunchly set at "off"...
     Anyhow, I'd chat more, but I've got the dishwasher to unload, and besides, it's 10:45am, and according to my new schedule, that means it's time for a cocktail...

Until Next Time, Readers!