Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Blinded By Cool: The Top Five Reasons To Wear a One-Piece Swimsuit

Morning Readers,

    We'd just returned from the pool. While hanging up towels, putting away sandals, etc, I jokingly asked Husband, "So, what did you think of my one-piece suit.. Pretty dorky?"

Without hesitation, he said, "Yeah, but it's functional. It serves it purpose."

I know, I know, fishing for compliments is tacky. But, at the same time, I'm tacky, so it evens out... But "functional"? I'd been prepared for the compliment of "functional" my entire life, but I'd always assumed it's be more in the context of, "Paige, after eighty-seven weeks of rehab, we've decided you're functional." Sans compliments, ego deflated, I decided to wander around the house in said swimsuit, eat a granola bar and contemplate other perks bound to the one-piece suit..

Top 5 Reasons To Wear a One-Piece Swimsuit

1.) No More Annoying Sex-Appeal

     Every summer it's been the same, irritating thing. I put on a bikini, word gets out and my doorstep's instantly crowded with people berating me with questions. "Paige, where'd you get your suit? If I stop eating, can I get abs like that? Are you driving to the pool or can I carry you? Do you have enough people to help you apply sunscreen?" An on and on...
     Now, with my one-piece suit, I don't have to worry about all those annoying compliments. I'll be guilt-free every time a good looking guy walks up and offers me a margarita and a thrilling discussion about Bronte versus Austin. Who wants to be whistled at? Not this lady. You think I'm attractive, well, keep it to yourself. All those things you're secretly thinking are taken care of by the one-piece suit. Yards of fabric say, "Listen buddy, I don't care if you want to buy me dinner. I'm trying to create hideous tan lines, here."

2.) Protection From the Elements

     No matter where you live, nature finds you. Live near a coast? Hurricanes may be a problem. If you're in the Midwest, like myself, you've got tornadoes to contend with. Most people worry about storms, but not the woman armed with the one-piece suit. Bad weather a' brewin? No worries. Simply find the nearest ditch, crouch down, and yank the yards of available fabric over your head. Cleverly disguised as a lumpy rock wrapped in a parka, the bad weather will see fit to pass you over. As a bonus, if hail happens to be in the forecast, stretch the fabric tightly, and those icy shards will bounce right off. No dents in that head today.

3.) Eliminates the Need For Tents

     If you like to camp, like I don't, the one-piece is for you. Pup-tents are expensive and awkward to pack. Why not give the family a real treat by saving space and providing a comfortable ride to the camp ground? After a day of swimming in the lake, your suit's probably dried out from walking around in the hot sun and endless games of Red Rover. When night falls, roast marshmallows, sing show tunes and gather the family under your giant, spandex wings, for a cozy night under the stars. 

4.) Takes Care of Nosy Neighbors

     It's been a problem. Ever since you moved in, Grandma Moses can't stay out of your bid'ness. Relaxing on your porch a chore? Can't enjoy a game of wiffle ball without Mr. and Mrs. Jones popping over and asking if  you're "ok" and having to tell you how "beautiful your children are"? People who care can really get under your skin. Not to worry. For the next few days, simply yank on the one-piece and start delivering donuts or fresh bread to their door at sunrise. When they answer, try saying something like:

"I was up all night hoping you're ok. I wasn't sure if you wanted chocolate or sprinkles."

If the sight of you, in your swimsuit, handing them a Krispy Kream at 5am doesn't get them to leave you alone...you may want to think about moving.

5.) The One-Piece is Highly Absorbant

     There may be a time when you ask your husband whether you look good in your new, one-piece swimsuit. When he tells you you look "functional" instead of cute, the one-piece, designed to hold more water than the Titanic, will happily accommodate your tears.

Until Next Time Readers!


  1. Aww - I bet you are adorable in your one piece!

  2. I get tired of having so much sex appeal. I never considered trying to hide it.

  3. Amanda - I wouldn't jump to "adorable", but my visage won't sear out anyone's corneas...so that's good. ..:)

  4. Paul - I have no doubt in my mind, the minute you don a woman's swim suit, you'll never have to worry about that nagging sex appeal again...

  5. Convincing argument. My overwhelming sex appeal is socially debilitating. Do you think a one-piece WITH a frilly, attached skirt works TWICE as well at putting out my sexy flame?

  6. Tori - I'd say the frilly skirt would be adequate, but to be safe, Land's End's "Un-sexy Styling Section" suggests you pair the skirt with a clunky pair of boat shoes.