Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Blinded By Cool: The Top Seven Reasons To Wear a One-Piece Swimsuit

Fun Fact: Wikipedia tells me this is Annette Kellerman circa 1923. Proving that Kellermans have been most comfortable in full-body swimwear for almost a century.
Morning Readers,

    We'd just returned from the pool. While hanging up towels, putting away sandals, etc, I jokingly asked Husband, "So, what did you think of my one-piece suit? Pretty dorky?"

Without hesitation, he said, "Yeah, but it's functional. It serves it purpose."

(I know, I know, fishing for compliments is tacky. But, at the same time, I'm tacky, so it evens out.)

But "functional"? I'd been prepared for the compliment of "functional" my entire life, but I'd always assumed it's be more in the context of, "Paige, after eighty-seven weeks of rehab, we've decided you're functional."

Sans compliments, ego deflated, I decided to wander around the house in said swimsuit, eat a granola bar and contemplate other perks bound to the one-piece suit..

Top 7 Reasons To Wear a One-Piece Swimsuit

1.) No More Annoying Sex-Appeal

Is your milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard?
Now, with your new one-piece suit, you don't have to worry about all those annoying compliments. Be guilt-free every time a good looking guy walks up and offers a margarita and a thrilling discussion about Bronte versus Austin. Who wants to be whistled at? Not you. You think I'm attractive, well, keep it to yourself. All those things admirers are secretly thinking are taken care of by the one-piece suit.

Yards of fabric say, "Listen buddy, I don't care if you want to buy me dinner. I'm trying to create hideous tan lines, here."

2.) Protection From the Elements

     No matter where you live, nature finds you. Live near a coast? Hurricanes may be a problem. If you're in the Midwest, like myself, you've got tornadoes to contend with. Most people worry about storms, but not the woman armed with the one-piece suit. Bad weather a' brewin? No worries. Simply find the nearest ditch, crouch down, and yank the yards of available fabric over your head.

3.) Potholder

Need to grab a roast out of the oven? Fold your suit into a tight square and get your hand up in that Kenmore.

5.) Takes Care of Nosy Neighbors

     It's been a problem. Ever since you moved in, Grandma Moses can't stay out of your bid'ness. Relaxing on your porch a chore? Can't enjoy a game of wiffle ball without Mr. and Mrs. Jones popping over and asking if  you're "ok" and having to tell you how "beautiful your children are"? People who care can be difficult when you're a career recluse like me. Not to worry. For the next few days, simply yank on the one-piece and start delivering donuts or fresh bread to their door at sunrise. When they answer, try saying something like:

"I was up all night hoping you're ok. I wasn't sure if you wanted chocolate or sprinkles."

If the sight of you in your swimsuit, handing them a long john at 5am doesn't get them to leave you alone, you may want to think about moving.

6.) Dinner Party 

Uh oh. Your hubby invited the boss over for dinner at the last minute. While you get the family sized mac and cheese out of the box, throw your one-piece suit over the table (why it's worth investing in a busy flower print), and set out the good china.

A raise this year?
Nailed it.

7.) The One-Piece is Highly Absorbent

     There may be a time when you ask your husband whether you look good in your new, one-piece swimsuit. When he tells you you look "functional" instead of cute, the one-piece, designed to hold more water than the Titanic, will happily accommodate your tears.

Until Next Time Readers!

And now that I've awkwardly made you my friend, come hang out with me on: