Thursday, June 16, 2011

These Crackers Taste Just Like Savings: 5 Signs You're An Off-Brand Shopper

Morning Readers,

     As I've gotten older, my standards have changed. For instance, I no longer gauge my level of attractiveness by how many whistles I receive while pumping gas in my sweatpants, a paper bag over my head now passes as decent make-up job, and a well-placed headband beats a shower, any day. Yep, I'm definitely not as uptight as I used to be, and my grocery shopping has followed suit. I've made the leap to off-brand shopper (to be read as "shopper", not "leper"). And now that I've found the perfect song to accompany me, I'll proceed to help you, my Readers, figure out whether you're an off-brand lep....shopper, as well.

Side Note: Please read the following list to the soundtrack of "Close To You", by The Carpenters. Doing so will help maintain the dignity of the piece and help it go down smoother.

5 Signs You're An Off-Brand Shopper

1.)  You've Become A One-Upper

     Bob and Jean invited you to their dinner party. After a delicious meal of steak and potatoes, Jean leaves and returns to the table with a beautiful lemon-meringue pie. She hands you a piece, but instead of saying, "Thank you", you slap it out of her hand and yell, "That must've cost twelve dollars. I could've got you one for two dollars. You got any two-dollar pies back there, Jean. Do you? DO YOU?"  You never see Bob, Jean or their pie ever again..

2.) The Burt Parts Are Normal

     You find you've got loads of re-runs to watch since you lost your job. Being the fifth Golden Girl is tough work. No worries, though, you just went off-brand grocery shopping, and that means it's time to open all the goods and prep them for eating. While Blanch gets herself into more trouble, you'll be whittling the burnt ends off of each and every one of those cheddar, fish crackers (which look suspiciously like hammerhead sharks and not gold fish). After which, you'll do your best to police Mayberry, while you sand the black marks off each piece of wheat bread. The kids need something to eat when they get up from their nap.

3.) Confusion In Public

     For the first time in months, the old ball and chain's taken you out to dinner. Politely, the waiter asks you what you'd like to drink. You respond with, "Dr. Plopper, please." Confused, the waiter brightly tells you they don't have "Dr. Plopper". You say, "I know you have it. I buy it all the time." Again, the waiter tells you he has no idea what you're talking about, but suggests tea. Like the stealthy tiger, you leap upon the table, tie your napkin around your head and begin shouting, "Has the whole world gone mad? Is this some sort of alternate dimension? Get me a Dr. Plopper, you damn, dirty apes....I'm so alone. So...alone." 

4.)  Your Bumper Stickers Look Different

     That, "I Vote Regularly" sticker was pretty gaudy, so you replaced it. What better way to freshen the back of your Station Wagon, than sticking messages to it that really let people know where you stand. Sure, you can't see out your back window, anymore, but at least the public's been informed:

"I Use A Quarter To Get My Shopping Cart"

"Sacking Your Own Groceries...It's Not For Losers Anymore"

" Honk If You Love 50 Cent Hotdog Buns!"

"I'm Not Slow, I'm Budgeting..."

5.) Your Spouse Is Evaluating the "I do" Part of the Marriage Vows

     This morning was the fifth in a row your husband found you wondering around the driveway, in your robe, murmuring, "Five for a dollar". When asked what you're doing out of bed at 4am, you reply, "Who are you, and where are my tater tots? If you're going to charge me full price, I can't do this anymore. I just can't.." You're led back to bed, where you stare at the back of your spouse's head whispering, "I'll expire your coupon..."

Until Next Time, Readers!