Friday, July 22, 2011

Here's To You Wendi Deng

Morning Readers,

     It's a slow Friday around the Split-level. Butch and Sundance called a truce and finished peace negotiations in time for a nap, leaving me a few moments of peace and quiet. If I were worth anything, I'd be organizing my shoes or sanitizing my trashcan. Instead, I utilized the last few moments to get up to speed on the latest on world news. Which is why I simply must mention Mrs. Deng. For my Readers too busy working out world peace to be bothered with the internets, Wendy Deng made herself an overnight sensation by attacking her husband's would-be attacker first, sparing him from being hit with a pie to the face, and the ridicule of clown colleges the world over. An admirable act, but it got me thinking; how am I ever going to prove my love to Husband, if he's never attacked by a pie?

     The question bothers me so much, I fear I'll be losing precious beauty sleep over it. I do love him, but marriage, having kids together, wearing viles of eachother's blood around our necks, just isn't enough... not with people like Wendy Deng around. So, instead of spending the weekend prize fighting with insomnia and looking like the kid from Mask, I think I'll brainstorm some ideas:

1.) Suggest breakfast at Denny's. While Husband's in the bathroom, provoke an old lady by stealing her hash browns. When Husband sits back down and the old lady ties to throw her "Moons Over my Hammy", jump up, spike her orange juice and scream, "Back off, Denchers, he's mine. Why don't you pack up your Rascal scooter and get the hell out of here?"

2.) Invite husband to go grocery shopping. Stealthily open economy-sized box of oatmeal pies at one end, and set them on the conveyor belt. When cashier picks up the box and pies spill everywhere, throw extra, hidden pie at his/her face, lung over the counter, like a bobcat, and yell, "You think can throw Little Debbies at my man? No you di -int!"

3.) Tell neighbor it's Husband's birthday. Buy a cake and ask the neighbor to ring the doorbell and surprise him. When Husband opens the door, push past him, slam the cake in the neighbor's face, kick him head-first off the porch, and run back inside. Run around gesticulating wildly saying, "I told you Bob was crazy. I told you. Imagine what would've happened if I hadn't been here. Can you imagine? It's a good think I love you so much."

     The good thing is I have the whole weekend to think of ways to show Husband I love him. Again I say, thank you, Wendy Deng, for showing the rest of us how to love.

Until Next Time, Readers!