Friday, July 1, 2011

I Vote "Yes" to Separate Beds

Morning Readers,

     I don't know about the rest of you, but growing up I used to watch a whole lot of old 50's and 60's re-runs. Being a home schooled child, I took careful time out between my "History of the Americas" and "How to Make Friends" text books, to click on the TV and see what Lucy, Samantha and Major Nelson were up to. I ate it up, but always found one thing to be particularly confusing: Why did married couples sleep in separate beds? (Well, that, and how Major Nelson fit into that damn bottle without pooping himself.) My parents didn't sleep in separate beds, neither did anybody else that I knew of. So why? My research (Googling) tells me it was because of TV censorship. My own experience now makes it abundantly clear, those women were trying to keep their sanity...

     "You're un-tucking everything. Why must you un-tuck?" I punch the pillow for emphasis.

     "My feet get hot. I can't sleep with hot feet. Can you sleep with hot feet? I can't sleep with them."

     My cheeks puff out, brows knit together. "Tell your feet not to be hot and they're messing up my hospital corners.  Your feet are rude."

     "Listen, Florence Nightingale, this isn't a hospital, so can you quit with the "corners"? Why do you even make the bed? I don't notice whether it's made or not. Now woman, let me release my feet!"

     "Fine, those without couth may flail their feet around; The refined side of the bed will cocoon itself and go to sleep."

     "Fine."

     "Fine..

..savage."

     I'd be lying if I didn't admit this happens almost every night. "My feet are hot", well, I spend a good ten minutes trying to make the bed look like it was stolen from an pre-baby-shredded JC Penny catalog, so I don't care if anyone's feet are hot. Really, the violating of my neatly made resting place is only one of many dissagreements Husband and I have when it comes to our bed:

a.) You stole my covers in the middle of the night and now I have hypothermia.
b.) Your gas almost killed me when I got trapped under the sheets, after you rolled over.
c.)  If  you must snore, would you mind directing it at the bedside table and not my eardrum? Our co-pay's high, this year, and specialists cost a fortune.

     So, for the first time in my life, all those old re-runs make perfect, spotless, eat-off-your-floors-clean sense. Separate beds, though appearing to cause chasms between married couples, actually cut down on fart-related deaths and useless divorces over messed-up hospital corners. If we, as a society, would embrace seperate beds, we'd spare judges from situations such as, "Your Honor, the Plaintiff files for divorce based unfair "Dutch-Ovening"....
     Now Readers, I know some of you are wondering whether separate beds will cut down on "the intimate times", but let's face it....isn't that what day planners are for? That, and you'll finally have an excuse to plan that "once a year" get-a-way to Branson you two always talk about. Take in a show, cuddle afterwards?...eh?
     At any rate, I should get going. I've got errands to run and beds to make.

Until Next Time Readers!