Tuesday, July 19, 2011

My Secret Recipe

Morning Readers,

    Last night was "Meatloaf Night", and, while I was whipping-up my culinary delight, I thought of something; I've never actually shared my recipe with you.... And why not? We're all friends. Balderdash, I thought. Who am I to keep a fabulous recipe for meatloaf, all to myself? Some of my Readers could be staring at their ovens, this very moment, desperately seeking direction for a good loaf. I'm a loaf hog who shall redeem herself tomorrow. So, let me just dig through my neatly-filed index cards and..ah..here we go. I found it. I found it.. OK, so get out a pen and paper and we'll get started...

Paige's Easy Meatloaf
You will need:
Ground beef, breadcrumbs, salt, pepper, onion, sage, patience, garlic, something strong to drink, mustard, a glass pan, the internet, milk.

1.) Set oven to 350. Make sure all the black parts of last week's meatloaf have been scraped out of the oven, first (no need to clean oven if you like the taste of burnt cow or depressing camp-outs).

2.) Get out a clean bowl. Realize you don't have a clean bowl and start searching the refrigerator. Remove bowl containing moldy watermelon from late May. Dump contents in the yard, wash and sterilize. Pretend the neighbors didn't see you.

3.) Chop onions. If you're like me and become incapacitated while doing so, try closing your eyes and cutting very carefully. Try not to waive your knife at your spouse when he comes through the door and proclaims you to be a "Huge weenie". However, it is acceptable to scream  you're "allergic and may possibly die from exposure to "The Devil's Vegetable".

4.) Combine all ingredients in the watermelon-free bowl. Because it's meatloaf, you'll have to stick your hands in and mush it about...even if you're deathly afraid of killer bacteria living on the meat. Pretend you're gardening or making sandcastles.

5.) While your hands are lost in the gooey marsh you hope will be dinner, you hear screaming. Don't worry, your child has simply fallen out of his bed, again. At this point, you must order someone else to go get him as you don't have the use of your hands.

6.) Dump contents of bowl into a clean, glass pan. (Please note: if your baby stepped in the pan and did a little dance in it, an hour before, make sure to rinse the footprints out before using.)

7.) Smack that glob of crud into what you think a loaf should look like. While slapping it like it stole something from you, examine your child (who's being held up in front of you), realize he cut his mouth open but it's not that bad, and spend the next five minutes trying to come up with ways to keep him in his crib.

8.) Pop that loaf in the oven, set the timer for 1.5 hours and start Googleing "kid falls out of bed".

9.) Do dishes and make a drink.

10.) Use remaining thirty minutes to re-arrange cribs so that baby doesn't have a hope of busting out of the slammer. 

11.) When timer goes off, test middle to make sure it's cooked all the way through. Serve promptly.


Until Next Time, Readers!