Friday, July 29, 2011

The Odd Couple: 5 Reasons I'm Letting Flea Renew His Lease

Morning Readers,

     Recently, Flea turned two years old - a momentous occasion which not only marked his time on this planet, but also his ATS (Ability To Survive) score. Right now, he's registering a solid 49 out of 50; perfect marks eluding him due to a slick pool of drool recently discovered on the sides of the coffee table. No one's more impressed than me. If you'd asked me, a year ago, what I thought of the dog, I would've been happy to expound on the joys of making one's own boxer-skin-coat and what an economical hobby it could be. If he'd chewed a hole through one more thing, I would've happily typed out instructions on how to turn him into the throw pillows he'd digested. Luckily for him, he's matured, and we've come to an odd, almost roommate-ish sort of situation. I'm only letting him stay because...

5 Reasons I'm Letting Flea Renew His Lease
5.) He's stopped waking the babies up. No more throwing himself against the door like a drunk frat boy; this point dispelling much of the tension caused by napping babies turned into screaming babies, and sparing the neighborhood the sight of me chasing him across the deck, in my underwear, with a broom, screaming, 
"Today is a great day to die!"...
4.) He's stopped snoring. No one likes a roommate who snores, especially when that roommate is a 100lb boxer who doesn't understand, "I'm gonna sell you on Craig's List if you don't shut your pie hole."

3.) Out of the kindness of his heart, he doesn't get up on the couch, anymore...he saves that for the middle of the night, when he thinks we're asleep. Many a night he's slipped under the bed, seeming to say, "Yep, yep, this looks good. I guess I'll just tuck in here for the evening. You folks go about your business and I'll see you in the morning", only to emerge at midnight, sneak downstairs and burrow into the couch. 
Sometimes I think I hear him watching Cops...

2.) He plays "Hide and Go Seek" with Butch and Sundance. The rules of the particular version of the game they've devised are sketchy (sometimes I think they've become a little liberal with the "hiding" part -but then, I'm a purist.) However, this keeps them occupied and gives me more time to stare at my bird feeder and decide not to refill it.

1.) The last, and most important, reason I've decided to keep up our little arrangement came in the form of a piece of heroism, whether perceived or not, I witness the other day, when Butch got away from me and careened towards the stairs. Seeing Butch was actively pursuing death, Flea raced to my aid and blocked the stairs, until I got there.
     "Thanks, Lassie", I said. "We're a little strapped for cash right now, so if you could just pull a few kids out of wells, on the side, that would be great." 
Until Next Time, Readers!