Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Paper Shredder Murders

Morning Readers,

     Yesterday I saw a flyer nailed to a telephone pole. It read something like this..

Wanted:
Police are looking for any information which will help them  identify the killer of five paper shredders withinthe last six months. Suspect is believed to be a somewhat attractive (though nothing to write home about) white female in her late twenties. Due to the large amounts of paper found on the scene, and the force with which each shredder was found stuffed to the gills with paper, she is believed to be equipped with incredible biceps. Suspect is considered armed and dangerous. If you or anyone you know has any information as to the whereabouts of this individual, please call.
     It's true, over last several months, I've managed to "kill", roughly, five out of five paper shredders which have had the poor fortune of residing with me. How do I do it? Does David Copperfield reveal his secrets?

...he doesn't?

Maybe I was thinking about those two with the tiger. Tigers shred things. At any rate, if I knew, I would've only bought one shredder and probably be shredding right now, feeling the rush of destroying sensitive information, watching the the tiny pieces of paper fall like delicate snow into the basket, like a black, mesh snow globe...
     But there will be no paper Christmas, today. Instead, I'm forced to stare at mountains of documents and wonder what to do with them. One can't simply throw them away. Ida Identity-Stealer is lurking outside the front door, just waiting to pull on a baggy, stained sweatshirt, light a cigarette and wish she was me. Nope, can't have that. So, I turned to my old friend Google, and while chewing on a bank statement, came up with a couple ideas.

1.) Burn Everything

     A fabulous suggestion. Although, what would start off as a harmless fire in an old Rubbermaid tub, would, no doubt, be remembered as "The Great Midwest Fire of 2011". 

Pro: All sensitive information would be destroyed.
Con: Decimated livestock and grain supplies.

2.) Cut Everything Up With Scissors

     This was an idea that made sense. After all, I only had eight-hundred documents to get rid of and nothing but time. And then I started cutting.

Pro: All sensitive information destroyed.. may even learn to make paper dolls that look like they're holding hands.
Con: Calculating paper + "time it takes to cut up a single sheet" =
a.) Missing my children's graduation
b.) Never seeing the light of day and becoming a vampire
c.) Trying not to hunt the living, when I become a vampire
d.) Paper cuts

3.) Throw Everything In the Sink, Turn It To Mush, and Plant It In the Garden

     An exciting idea, thoroughly exciting.... yes, I shall gather up all my papers and give them a bath. They haven't had a good scrubbing since 2009. I haven't started a garden since I was ten. Now is the time to grow those organic vegetables people always talk about.

Pro: Documents destroyed, Identity safe, Fresh produce for dinner
Con: Dinner guests may complain that tomatoes taste like W-4s, with an after taste of overdraw fees...

Until Next Time, Readers!