Tuesday, August 23, 2011

For Louder Or Worse

Morning Readers,
     I've just finished going over the laminated card with my vows on it. Took me a second to find it between my credit card and my Liquor of The Month Club punch card (almost time for a free coaster), but I managed to recover it and find what I was looking for under a subsection:

For Better Or Worse: To interpret this section properly, please understand "better" is used here to mean "happy", "fun", and "not crappy". As such, "worse" is used to refer to circumstances which, generally, make one or both spouses want to dig their eyeballs out with melon ballers. See also "unpleasant", "crappy" or "say that one more time and I'll light your baseball car collection on fire".
     b.) Better - Skip to next section. Take a happy face sticker as you exit.
     a.) Worse - One must put up with aforementioned circumstances, no matter how ridiculous. Please see the following:

  • You wrecked the car 
  • He wrecked the car 
  • You lost the house gambling 
  • He wasn't watching and let the kids burn the house down 
  • You farted 
  • He farted 
  • Someone farted and won't admit it.  
  • Every time you watch a movie, together, he acts like he's a senior citizen and turns the volume up so the people in Zimbabwe know you're watching Spaceballs, again.
          I don't get to see my grandpa a lot. Luckily, I get to watch a lot of movies with Husband. Last night, we watched The Godfather Part II so loud, I had to call our elderly neighbors and reassure them we were in no way connected to the mob.

         "Mrs. Jones, we're watching a movie...no no...tell Mr. Jones he can stop packing. What? An offer you can't refuse? Like I was sa- .....oh...you're in witness protection? Hmm. Yeah, I don't think you should've told me that..I'd probably keep packing, then..."

         Anytime we watch anything, Husband has to max-out the volume. To be fair, I know his hearing isn't as sharp as mine, but... have you ever watched Pride and Prejudice at fifty-thousand decibels? Mr. Darcy or Ike Turner? I got confused. Conversations like this usually result:

         "It's too loud."

         "I can't even hear it. Let me turn it up a little bit."

         "How can you not hear that? I just felt our foundation crack..."

         "They're practically whispering."

         "Hey, Old Man Winter...they're not. Let's just turn on the subtitles and pretend it's foreign. We'll even re-name the living room. How does "Le Deaf Cinema" sound?"

         "I don't want to read, right now. That's why I'm watching a movie."

         "I don't want two one-year-olds awake and climbing me like sinking ship, either. Get it together, man."

         The threat of Butch and Sundance waking up is usually enough to bring about a compromise, somewhere between the kids staying asleep and my hair follicles shaken loose. But, that's the man I married. We're probably watching another movie, tonight, so I need to tape the cabinets with the glassware, closed. In the end, it's not really Husband's fault. I should've known something was up when the priest said, "Do you take this woman for as long as you both shall live?" and Husband said...
    .."What? Yeah, we're both alive." 

    Until Next Time, Readers!