Monday, August 29, 2011

The NFL Widows Club: Coping With Losing Your Man To The Draft

Morning Readers,

     I'd received the call at eleven a.m. Cellphone pressed to forehead, lips delicately grazing the mouthpiece, I muttered, "Uh huh...yes, I see. Well, just know that I love you...and if you don't make it back, I'm taking the good side of the bed, in your memory." I hit "end", clutched my shoulders, slid down the oven and huddled in the corner. When the babies toddled in, I decided to tell them straight out. Wiping the last of my tears with the broom bristles, I said, "We've lost your father to the draft. Be strong and take a graham cracker. They're cinnamon-sugar. I hope they make this moment less bitter for you." Sundance responded by handing me a patch of hair I'd torn out in my grief. "Ma?"

     "Honey, I'm off to fantasy football draft, with the guys. I'll be back in a little while."

     How do you get mad at someone who doesn't know they're lying? For the fourth year in a row, I was losing Husband. My international Readers may be unfamiliar with this particular time of year. If you'd like an extensive explanation, please click here. In short, people who don't play football pretend they do, by building imaginary teams, such as "Team: Left My Wife At Home Because Someone Has To Watch The Children So They Don't Grow Up To Rob Old People And Set Homes On Fire".

....go team

     Before we were married, it wasn't such a problem. "Oh, to the draft, you say? No worries, I've got eight-hundred friends to have eight-hundred drinks with, while smoking eight-hundred cigarettes. I promise I'll remember who you are when you get back. Bob, was it? Kidding..I won't start forgetting your name for years to come.. *skips off into "Butt Doesn't Sag Land" *

     The remainder of yesterday was spent finalizing our will and budgeting out how I was going to make it as a widow. It was true, I could juggle, but would the public pay to see it? If I added balloon animals, would it cover the electric bill? If I was forced to sell the house and join the circus, would they let the babies stay, for free, in the chimp house?

     Five o'clock..another call. "Babe?"

     "You're on with her now."

     "Sorry, didn't mean for it to take so long. Be home at five-thirty. Need me to get anything on my way back?"

     I coughed. "Wait..who is this? If you think it's funny to pretend to be my spouse, it isn't. I lost him hours ago. It was the Draft done took him right from me. Lord rest em'." 

     "You're being ridiculous.."

     "You're ridiculous. But if you see Husband in the Great Hereafter, please tell him I ironed his pants."

     "See you soon."

     So, Readers, feel free to weigh in. Do you lose your man to the draft? Are you the newest member of the NFL Widows Club? All my Readers overseas, is there an equivalent in your neck of the woods? I'm willing to start an international chapter.

Until Next Time, Readers!