Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Raise High the Roof Prices, Carpenter

Afternoon Readers,

    There's a reason they say a dog is man's best friend. Because, it's definitely not a roof. Roofs are not man's best friend. They won't drag you out of a well or warm your slippers for you. Admittedly, they won't poop in your backyard, but, why do that when they can wait for a passing hail storm and practically throw themselves at it, like a two-bit hussy, without so much as a dinner invite? This past spring, our roof handed out its shingles like vouchers for free ice cream. Which, in turn, led us to filing our first claim on the Split-level....which led to this joyous conversation, and the reason I will never make my roof a friendship bracelet.
     "Hmm...well, everything definitely needs to be replaced...and we can do that...here's the thing, though."

     Here's the thing? Crap. I hate that phrase as much as Do you know why I pulled you over? My eyes wide as they would open, I blinked innocently, hoping against hope my "deer in the headlights version 2.0" would move the worried-looking contractor to change his next words to, "We've decided to do the work for free....and throw in a hot tub...and a pound of chocolate....and a trained monkey to fetch that chocolate."


     "Well..er..there may be a little bit more work that needs to be done. Unfortunately, it's not the type of thing your insurance will cover...unfortunately." He shifted in his workboots.

      Mmm..won't cover it, huh? Yeah, I wouldn't wanna give a woman with dried cookie stuck to her shirt that news, either. Cookie stuck to boob=raving lunatic.

     "Let me show you what I'm talking about. I'll need to get in the attic."

     We trudged up the stairs and he stood there while I worked the attic door open. "Need some help, Mam?"

     "No, I just have to get the thing out of the thing. See, here's the door..if I can..*Grunt*..oh..that's broken glass. Umm.. watch your step." You know, anything to help you support why we're getting ready to be robbed blind. What else can I get you? Lemonade? Snack cake?

     He stuck his head through and pointed to a spot in the roof. "That, right there. I stepped on it and about fell through. There's two or three more...um..fragile spots. You should be able to walk on the roof without it cracking."

     "You should? What if we promise not to hold Irish Step Dancing Practice up there? Move it to the basement?"

     "Uh..yeah, they just need to be replaced. It's old age, not storm damage. Should cost anywhere from two to eight hundred."



     Oh, well that's alright. I'll just have to be real good about watering the Money tree, this week.

     A few minutes later, we settled next to the coffee table, a stack of papers ready to be signed, in front of me. "Just sign here, here and here." His finger pointing to the exact spots that would drain my bank account. "And I'll just need a check."

     "How soon will you be cashing it? Sometime today?"

     "Aww, no, probably not for a few days to a week or so."
     I relaxed. "Good, but try and send a courtesy email before you head to the bank. Ya know, like a heads up sort of thing?"

     "Well, you have a nice day and let me know if you need anything." Looking relieved, he stepped out the front door.

     "I will have a good day. You too. I'll just be selling a kidney on ebay."

     "What, Mam?"

     "Nothing....have a really nice day."

Until Next Time, Readers!