Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Calculating the Velocity of A Toddler: Mass x Acceleration = Insanity

Morning Readers,

     Once upon a time, I needed one more class to graduate. Naturally, because my degree was to be in English, my diploma depended on a solitary science credit. Whine as I might, the man in the tweed coat said, "No, you cannot graduate without it. And stop crying on your over-priced text book; you'll never be able to sell it back." So, after I sold back a soggy copy of "Every Piece of English Literature Ever Written", I was sent to another man in another tweed coat who told me he'd teach me about the stars and math and calculating the mass of blah blah blah. Who cared about big balls of gas and math and suffering?

...Everyone. Turns out, math can save your life..or your coffee.

     For approximately sixteen months, I've lived among the chimps. It's gotten so bad, my picture pops up if you Google Jane Goodall. Sometimes the job depends on a good hiding spot - My associate found me behind the yoga ball.

     "Umm..what are you doing?"

     "Hiding. But you can't have my spot."

     "From what?"

     I stuck a pointer finger a Butch and Sundance doing lap after lap around the kitchen, through the living room, and past my cover. "They've been at it for awhile. If they run into me, by accident, they'll bounce right off. This is what I've picked-up so far..

Where T= toddler E= empty living room and S = stolen pacifier ... Tx2xExS = A non-stop chariot race, in which, the stolen pacifier may or may not be recovered.

Velocity =  M(3) - where M = migraine

     "With me?"

     "Uh huh."

     "Well, what's fascinating is that if you take the same equation, but add a variable, the results are a little different. Where D = dog, the situation...  Tx2xExSxD = Five loops around the kitchen, to retrieve said pacifier, but the dog ends up being a driving force, getting the babies even more hyper.

Velocity = DSF(2) -where, here, SF= sippy cup to the face "

     "Fascinating...what are we having for dinner?"

     "Chicken. But even more interesting is what happened this morning."

     "What was that?"

     "At 8am, I was on Observation Platform 9...you know it as the living room rug....when I heard an awful noise. I turned around and the chimps had gotten their paws on my coffee. Seems the only thing that slows these things down is some sort of distraction. Therefore, the answer's simple... Tx2xExS(C) -where C= my lukewarm coffee."

     "They spilled your coffee?"

     "For crying out loud, man. Don't you see? They won't rest until they've destroyed something...it was like that chocolate river from Willy Wonka got routed in here. I think it may have dyed some of the scratches in the laminate, though.."

     "Chicken, was it?"

Until Next Time, Readers!