Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Diversifying My Confusion

"A 401K ......is that like Hoof and Mouth?"

Morning Readers,

     My approach to money has always been fairly simple - save it..except when you're in college and everyone finds out you were home schooled and didn't party, but spent every weekend working, and have a fair amount of money to buy beer instead of the car your parents talked you out of. Either or, my understanding of money is relatively mundane, so when Husband advised he'd invited financial planners over, I didn't know what to do. "But what do they want?" I questioned.

     "They want to help us evaluate our goals and make sure we're doing smart things with our money."

     "These Ficus planners..that's what they do, evaluate?"

      "A Ficus is a plant."

     "Oh great, you invited tree-huggers over? You better tell them I'm not giving any money to plant a Pine. Too many flippin' squirrels as it is."

     Nevertheless, seven o'clock deposited two, neatly-suited gentlemen in my living room. "So, tell us a little about your financial situation." Seated on our one couch cushion still intact, the taller of the pair looked expectantly in my direction. "Any stocks?"

     "No one said anything about having me followed."

     He laughed. "No, I meant like mutual funds. How about bonds?"

     "I suppose if you intend to track me down, tying me up would be the next step. Was it hard to find my home from prison?"

     "You're a charming woman. I'll tell you what. I know this all can be a little confusing, so let's simplify things. Do you have a savings account?"

     Climbing from behind the love seat, I slid the blanket off my head. "Yes."

     "Now we're getting somewhere. Can you give me an idea of how much you have in there?"

     At Husband's nod of assent, I pulled out the porcelain pig and set it on the coffee table. "Do you want me to count it?" 

     The man stared. "What's that?"

     "Our Savings Pig."

     He cleared his throat. "If that's your savings account, what type of college funds do you have set up for your children?"

     "Finally, an easy question. You see..err..Dave. When the children come of age, we'll distribute tiny hammers, toss the pig in the air, and to the victor shall go the spoils."

     "Little hammers?"

     I held up my hand. "I know what you're thinking, it sounds a little irresponsible because we don't know how many children we'll end up with, right? Well, you can relax. Me and the Old Man stash a little under the mattress in case we need more hammers. we're equal opportunity people."

     "Mrs. Kellerman?"

     "Yes?"

     "How about I just leave you with a brochure?"

     As we watched both suits clomp back to their car, I couldn't help smiling. "You know Honey, that was a good idea. We've got a shiny new brochure to put away for the kids to share, but you know, they never did leave us that Ficus."

So, how bout it? Am I the only one who gets confused by this stuff?

Until Next Time, Readers!