Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Fugly Christmas Sweater Vampire Incident

Morning Readers,
     Considering the state of the Split-level before we bought it, it's never failed to amaze me people resided here before us. The brown molding, stark walls and swan on the shower door have always suggested a unique sense of bra-burning style, but I'd always imagined the prior residents to be vampires who loved aquatic birds. Because we still get their mail from time to time, Husband I know their name. Thankfully, we now know they're as frightening as we suspected...

     While making lunch yesterday, I happened to look down to find Butch removing the cabinet drawers, again. Before I could protest, his fat baby self had given a mighty heave and tumbled backwards, extracting a drawer twice his size. In a flash, he'd stuck his hand inside the hole in the wall and, with raised eyebrow, handed me a piece of paper.

     "Thank you, Indiana Jones. You're very clever, but I'll take that artifact, and you'll put my ancient cabinet temple back the way it was. And re-set the booby traps." At which, I flipped the paper over and stopped, mired in my own wit and pure shock. Staring back at me, were four individuals. Three things to be noted:

1. The name and date confirmed they were, in fact, the previous owners of the house.
2. The crazy look on the mother's face suggested that, yes, she was a swan-loving vampire.
3. The whole family was dressed in Christmas sweaters. Ugly ones.

     My mind raced. Vampires don't have souls, so why would they be celebrating Christmas? Not to mention, Nosferatu wearing sweaters shouldn't be trusted. Any person with half a wit knows vampires are always cold. These ones were particularly bad because we knew they ate swans. 

     Before I could warn her about the vampires, Sundance had started to crawl into the hole. Quick thinking prompted me to hand her a dishtowel while I held the other end. "That's fine and dandy." I warned. "But if you fall into Narnia, yell and I'll throw down a fur coat...and don't bring back any fauns...they carry Lymes disease."

     A moment later, she'd returned and handed me an empty plastic bag. After which, we all were left to stare at the picture. Chills shot down my spine as I stuck it behind the mixer. When Husband got home, I relayed the news. "I know what the so and so's look like."

     "You do?"

     "Yes, our son found their picture, and it's going to take years before we've mended that trauma."

     He shuddered. "So what do we do with it?"

     I'd already started dragging my wooden hope chest from the closet. "Well, I was thinking we'd meet under the Oak tree, at midnight. You'll have to hold it down, while I'll dowse it with holy water and put a stake through it's heart, and then we'll both bury it. Capeesh?"I pulled my head out of the trunk. "We're low on holy water."

     "I'll probably just throw it away."

     "Fine, but when the swan vampires sneak up on you, don't come crying to me."

     So, I've got a choice to make; Do I burn it, stake it or mail it back to whence it came?

Until Next Time, Readers!