Monday, September 26, 2011

The Homliest of The Homeless: Top 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Look Decent

Morning Readers,
    This weekend I switched on the TV as a reporter, brandishing his microphone, crept up to an unsuspecting woman, and fired questions: "How long have you been homeless?", "I noticed it had a cat playing guitar on it, is that sweatshirt from a very generous family?", "It's smart of you to have a purse that doubles as a pillow/lunchbox." The woman shrugged helplessly while the toddler on her hip chewed on a cracker. "I'm not homeless..and this is Bobby." Shaking my head, I pushed the "off" button with my cereal spoon. It was obvious she'd fallen victim to homeless stereotyping. Let's consider....

Top Five Reasons Mothers Are Miss-identified as Homeless

1.) "Ready"
     After she has a child, "ready" takes on an entirely new meaning. Prior to motherhood, the phrase "I'm ready"  means "My hair's done, my clothes match, I put mascara on both sets of eyelashes, and my shoes are on the proper feet. If someone whistles at me, I know it's not because my underwear is on the outside of my pants, again. It is because I do not offend the eyes with my appearance. Some cultures may or may not refer to me as "hot".
However, a quick look in The Post-Motherhood dictionary defines "ready" as:

Noun - "A specimen wearing at least one shoe, who may or may not being drooling from the mouth."

2.) Allotted Time 

     No more standing at the closet and pondering "what to wear?" The children are already calling your name, so you grab the potato sack you gave yourself last Christmas. The neck hole's starting to fray, and a family of birds took residence under there eight months ago, but there's no time to match a top to a skirt; Little Billy may have already base-jumped out of the crib.

3.)  Hair

     Unlike Siegfried and Roy, hair is neither magic nor a tiger training due in sparkly spandex. It takes time, care, gel, a blow dryer, a straightener, hair spray, rollers, money, a pet monkey to comb it while you sleep, leave-in conditioner, more money, highlights, a cut, and a GSE who tells you, "If Micheal Angelo had seen you first, the Sistine Chapel would be your face..."

They say 78% of people who need to be talked off rooftops are mothers with a flatiron in one hand and an empty pill bottle in the other....

4.) Showering

     Or as I like to call it, "Are You Afraid Of The Dark?" is usually reserved for some time after 11pm. About the time vampires are rising from their graves and the cult next door's kicked-off their karaoke hour, you sneak down to the bathroom. Afraid the light will wake the children, you try to shower in the dark. This turns out to be awkward and dangerous. After falling out of the tub and landing behind the toilet, you take a sponge bath by moonlight, using toilet paper.

5.) Did I mention the sponge bath?

No one looks great after a sponge bath...

Until Next Time, Readers!