Thursday, September 22, 2011

Put It On My Tab

Morning Readers,
     Anyone who tells you a baby won't get you into a little bit of debt is lying. That's why I only want to have eight or nine more (ten more, and I'm never getting the yacht and private butler). After I received the bill for Butch and Sundance, I called the hospital. "Yes, this is Mrs. Kellerman. I hate to be rude, but it seems you didn't apply my coupon...what coupon?...It was a two-for-one....well I left it taped to my bed pan so you wouldn't miss it...I see. So, all of it?...yes, yes. I'll start deciding which one to give back...Thank you." The bills haven't stopped coming, and it wasn't until yesterday, I started thinking these people might just be crooks.

     I tried the National Billing Association of Every Billing Department Inc., first, who kindly told me the beef I had on my plate was reserved for the hospital explicitly.  "But I've been robbed. Don't you care?"

     "No, but if you call Hospital Robs You In Your Sleep, you may find someone who cares there..."

     After staving off the cutest debts in the world with graham crackers, I pulled out my Rambo bandana, smudged some dirt under my eyes and dialed the only place in the world who knew anything about a refund being hidden from me. The line picked up:

If you're calling because your cast fell off in a freak firework accident, press #1.
If the brain we gave you dribbled out your ears and you're using a dishtowel to keep it in, press #2.
If you're inquiring about quotes on used bed sheets, press #3.
If you think we've stolen money from you, press #4..

     "Hello, this is Billing, how can I help you?"

     "Oh, hello. I'm calling about a refund that seems to be missing. I need to buy shampoo, and well, you know how that goes."

     "I see. Give me a moment and I'll check the records." *insert sounds of my soul dying* "Thank you for waiting. It seems we refunded that back to your credit card."

     "You didn't."

     "Sometimes it takes 7-10 days."

     "It's been 20."

     "Could we offer you fruit in the shape of a flower basket to compensate?"

     "Do you have Doritos in the shape of an Easter Bunny?"


     "Then I'd like to speak to the hospital director."

Ring Ring

     "Hospital Director. How can I help you?"

     "My name is Paige Kellerman, you stole my money, prepare die."

      "Hmm.........Did they tell you about the fruit basket?"

Any of you have problems with getting things like this settled?

Until Next Time, Readers!