Friday, October 7, 2011

The Broken Record

Afternoon Readers,

     Did you know the only word you need to raise a child is "no"? It's a common misconception that a parent needs to know words like "baseball" or "whatever you need to do to learn", but those are completely unnecessary. Just, "no" and a good, broken-in catcher's mitt will do the job. Speaking of which, typing in said mitt makes it nearly impossible to reach the letter "a. I'm doing that with an old bottle cap between my teeth and what I remember from volunteering at that Magician's Who Help Magicians conference. The only problem with saying "no", all the time, is the fact that it's starting to pop-up when I don't necessarily need it...

     Yesterday, the doorbell rang. After hitching up my pants, I opened the door and leaned my mitt against the entryway. "Can I help you?"

     A man holding a giant check grinned at me. "Mrs. Kellerman?"

     "Depends. Who are you working for?

     "We're with Publisher's Clearing House, and are happy to report you've just one a million doll-"

     "No."

     His smile faded. "What do you mean no?"

     I shook my head. "Did you not hear me the first time? No no no no. You're not listening to mommy."

     He held out the giant check. "Mam, this is good for a million dollars. Are you saying you don't need it?"

     I held up my catcher's mitt. "Sweetheart, hold onto that. You're going to drop it. No, hold it with both hands. That's better."

     Taking a step back, he looked at the camera crew.

     My instincts kicking in, I ran over and grabbed his hand. "Watch it, honey. You'll fall."

     "I won't fall. I'm on your porch."

     I wagged my mitt-less finger at him. "Speaking of, how'd you get all the way up here? You should never climb all the way up the stairs if I'm not there."

     "I think we'll be going."

     "Good because, at this rate, you were never getting a cookie after lunch. And I know how much you like chocolate chip." I shrugged and went back inside, just in time to catch Butch doing laps around the counter top, hurdling the mixer. I took a deep breath, dove with my mitt out, and had just enough time to shout.

"No."

And to think we could've been rich.....

Until Next Time, Readers!