Today I have the pleasure of interviewing my friend AG from Regectedriter. Is he hilarious? Yes. But what you may not know is he's an expert survivalist who recently wrote a pocket guide on not getting killed in a scary movie. Run into a serial killer, while getting groceries? Call AG. Talking killer dolls got you down? AG's your man. Can't get Bruce Willis out of your basement because he thinks he's still alive and acting? ...you know the drill. So, without further ado..
AG: I'm currently sitting in a large leather chair in a room that smells of mahogany and old books sipping a warm
Me: I'm so glad you can make it. I heard you were up all night fighting vampires. But let's get to it..
What do you think about people splitting up? I mean, not like "I don't want to be with you anymore because I saw you holding Judy's hand", but more like, "I think I heard something, so you stay here and I'll be right back" type of splitting up.
Rookie mistake, Paige. You should never, ever split up, especially when in an enchanted woods or a huge house with suspiciously creaking floorboards and bleeding walls because you can always use the other person as a human shield.
Which actually, coincidentally, works with the first case scenario, too.
Halloween's a great time for family reunions. What's your advice to everyone headed out for a fun night of camping in the remote wilderness, with loved ones?
I think that's a great idea, especially if they pack a picnic, make matching t-shirts and take a video camera from 1999, run around said remote wilderness in the dead of night panting, wheezing and getting shaky closeups of their runny noses.
I mean, those are memories you're going to want to last a lifetime.
How do you feel about running up the stairs as an exit strategy?
Only run up the stairs if you're sure there's a closet you can hide in. Hiding in a tiny room, breathing heavily and suppressing the urge to gag from the stench of those sneakers you keep meaning to get rid of but never actually did is a surefire way to
You're thinking about those sneakers now, huh?
Get rid of them.
Considering the fact serial killers always seem to be moving at the rate of an old lady in a scooter, what would you attribute their high success rate to?
I would attribute their high success rate to untied shoelaces. And good editing.
In The Happening, M Night Shamalamadingdong warned us to stay away from the wind. In your estimation, is this possible, and what can we do if we have to outrun the wind, last minute?
M. Night Shingaling
And that plants want us dead.
And that his first name is M.
Team Edward or Jacob? Not that it matters...sort of.
Which one's the werewolf?
You know what, it doesn't even matter because I can tell you this- vampires can do a lot of things, but one thing they can NOT DO EVER is sparkle.
A world where a vampire sparkles is a world I don't want to live in.
How many threatening phone calls should I get before I decide not to call the police?
It's really hard to tell what constitutes as threatening nowadays. Getting a phone call from a disguised voice describing what you're wearing down to your
It probably means you need to move.
And call the police.
You've made it clear that pools, lakes, and bathtubs aren't safe. What about those who need sponge baths or use foot spas, this Halloween?
Sponge baths would be safe if you didn't need to dunk it in a bucket of water first. Buckets of water are prime breeding grounds for flesh eating bacteria. And a portal to Mark Whalberg's house.
Found that last one out the hard way.
Foot spas are even worse. You don't know whose feet have been in that thing!
Ever seen a hobbit's foot? Imagine that soaking in a shallow pool of warm water.
It seems groups of teenagers get attacked by ax-wielding murders most often. Considering the fact every teenager in the world owns a cell phone, why the low rate of calls to 911?
I've heard that it's really hard to play Angry Birds and dial 911 at the same time. Especially when you're about to break your highest score and qualify for the
It's between a soup spoon and an old copy of "O" magazine; Which one has a better chance of scaring off an intruder?
If it is pointy, rusted, and covered in rabies, the spoon. Otherwise O Magazine. I don't care who you are,
Oprah saves lives.
AG is an emerging playwright from Brooklyn, NY and a recent MFA recipient from a Very Impressive College (VIC). When not reading and commenting on blogs or in rehearsals for a play nobody will see, AG can be found singing on subways with a hat full of change and a pocketful of dreams. You can read about those regected dreams here http://regectedriter.
Happy Halloween, Readers!