Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Not So Handy-Woman

 Morning Readers,
     They say "Those who can't do, teach". I've always lived by the motto "If you can't do it, do it anyway, and Spackle what you can before Husband gets home." Try putting that on a throw pillow; I did, and now my finger perpetually points skyward, making me look about five times more pious than I should, but I've become accustomed to small sacrifices in the name of trying to do things on my own. Not that I don't have a little bit of talent. When I replaced the molding around the bedroom door, it looked good as new. Yes sir, building equity one, upside down piece of lumber at a time...
     Holding his hand, I told him as gently as possible. "Good Sir, my heart is heavy for I have done it again."

     Husband, unable to break the cosmic bond with the TV, stared ahead. "What's that?"

     "I broke the most sacred pact we made over the hallowed grounds of paint, nails and old hand saws... I maybe..um...tried to do another project by myself. Behead me if you must. I shall go nobly. But when I go, promise not to eat all the Oreos, because I've only had four, tonight."

     Brows knit, he turned. "What did you do?"

     "Nothing. Well, you see that door handle over there? Yeah, it wouldn't be there if I'd been successful."

     "Successful? Honey, what do I always tell you?"

     I considered. "Never feed the Mogwai after midnight."

     "No, the other thing."

     "When we're hunting vampires and you say, "Babe, throw me a stake", you don't want yours medium rare?"

     He put his head in his hands. "We agreed that we'd do the home improvements together. Because you always start them and I end up finishing them. Right?"

     Eyes wide, I blinked back. It's not that his concern was unwarranted. My skill with home projects does leave something to be desired - Some even say when Bob Vila tells scary stories around the campfire, they're all about me. But this time I'd really thought I could do it all by myself. Change the door handle on the coat closet. But no one told me I wouldn't be able to get the old one off the door, first. So, after fifteen minutes of trying, I'd thrown in the towel. 
     Husband sighed. "We'll do all of the doorhandles at the same time."

     "But they're so ugly, I thought I'd get the process started."

     "And where'd that scratch in the door come from?"

     "Oh...I couldn't get the old handle off, so that's a unique representation of the carving they found at Roanoke."

     "I see. Where's the new handle you bought?"

     "I'm glad you asked. It's out on the workbench, and with your help, I think we can get this finished..."

     So Readers,  if you happen to be handy, how do you feel about fixing a door handle..?

Until Next Time, Readers!





  1. I was a locksmith for almost 6 years so door handles were a piece of cake for me but in your defense, there are lots of different types and some are pretty dang complex! I can't be trusted to put the fitted sheet on the mattress by myself! I'll cocoon myself before you can say "incompetent!".

  2. How close are you to me? I'll do it right after I finish this electrical work tonight. What's it pay?

  3. I think you seem preeeeeeettty handy to me...I give you five pious fingers up! Handy for a high five, isn't it? YEAH ::five it!::

  4. "You don't want your medium rare." Bwa ha ha! What an EPIC line :0)

    I agree, you seem pretty handy to me too ;)

  5. Padded Cell - Now you tell me. I should've consulted with you yesterday. I can work a sheet, but I have no idea how to change this handle...LOL

    Joshua - I can pay you in oatmeal creme pies. It's starts at two, but I'll go as high as three..

    AG - *high fives back* Don't encourage me....LOL

    Veal - We're not the best vampire hunters in town...hehe.

  6. Make it those two-pack of Swiss cake rolls and I'll do it for two.

  7. Joshua - That means I have to go shopping for the billionth time this week...let me think about it..

  8. Did you know you can make the easiest ice cream cake ever from Swiss cake rolls?? Just cut them into round disks and line them into a bowl that has a layer of saran wrap inside. Fill with very soft ice cream (whatever flavor you fancy) then stick in the freezer to harden up! Take it out, flip it over on a plate and it will look fabulous! ...sorry that doesn't fix your lock but it will make you feel better :)

  9. Dear Paige,
    We may be sister's separated at birth. I feel your pain as my projects generally end in a patronizing husband explaining to me the necessity of awaiting his blessed presence to accomplish the most menial of task. My painting jobs end in a ceiling painting no where near a Money but approaching a Picasso level. My trying to sand the wood floors ended in a new pattern which we shall refer to as burnt spotted cow. I had no idea a sander could burn a floor. Sigh. haha. Thanks for sticking with me while my mom's here. I love your blog. I needed a laugh!

  10. Whoops Paige!! Sorry for the advice:). At least you got it started!

  11. Padded Cell - I'm definitely trying that. Possibly this weekend... or for breakfast. Whichever comes first.

    Craziness - "burnt spotted cow" LOL We need to start a support group. I enjoy your blog as well! ..:)

    Elizabeth - You and I are going to have to pow wow and go over what the "easy part" was again...hahahaha