Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Soundness of Silence

Morning Readers,
     It was only a few moments after we'd driven the twins home when I called the hospital:

"Hello, this is Mrs. Kellerman. Yes, I just brought home a set of children and....what?...yes, yes, I got the right ones. It's just, they won't be quiet. Well, you see, I think one of your nurses must've turned something on by accident. They weren't like this when we stayed with you."

I was assured the noise would stop eventually, so I hung up and comforted myself with the thought that, one day, they would stop making so much noise. I must've spoken to the drunk nurse because she failed to mention a few key items. Readers, if you're under the impression that silence and children go together like things that go together...you're mistaken. For Example...
     Misconception: Your babies are letting you wash the dishes in peace because they love and respect you. They also know that it takes two passes to get last week's meatloaf off the bottom of the pan, so they're sitting in the other room sketching beautiful drawings of your face. You let your tears of joy wash away the last of the burnt onion..

     Reality:  One child has used the other as a step stool to the dining room table. After the stronger of the two makes it to safety, he grabs the dog bowl and assesses its ability to be licked. He licks it. Mmm..nothing like the taste of rabies in the afternoon.

     Misconception: You're quietly finishing the last episode of that one TV show you never get to watch. It's because the children are playing quietly in the kitchen. Chubby hands ablaze with love, they labor to make you that extra-extra-double-chocolate cake you always wish someone would make for you.

      Reality: Both babies are in the dishwasher. After a dangerous steak-knife fight, they've pushed the back out, crawled into Narnia, killed a faun and dragged it back for your approval. Hint: You will not approve, but at least you know that the season finale was just the main character dreaming the entire time, and none of it really happened...

     Misconception: You've gotten your first nap since they were born because they were also sleeping like angels.

     Reality: The dog has been captured, strapped to a rickshaw, and is aiding a rather off-the-cuff rendition of the chariot race from Ben Hur. Go back to sleep, the lions haven't even been released yet...

     Misconception: You just finished folding all of the laundry, and it was relaxing because the kids are in the living room building charming pastoral villages, using their letter and number blocks. Afterwards, they'll sit around drinking milk, reading Anthony Trollope and discussing the social implications of the 19th century individual.

     Reality: Both have donned scuba gear and a determined attitude to look for sharks in the toilet.

     Misconception: You wrote this post because they're watching Barney.

     Reality: Has the kitchen always been on fire?

Feel free to add anything I may have forgotten.

Until Next Time, Readers!