Monday, October 10, 2011

Up Close and Personal: An Interview With My Jeggings

 Morning Readers,

     Yesterday, while rifling through my shoe box of a closet, looking for something that would help me not be naked in public, I happened upon a pair of pants I hadn't worn Jeggings. For my Readers who don't know, Jeggings are the love child of jeans and leggings. Innocent enough, but, while they look good in theory, my courage to wear them has faded over time. Luckily, my Jeggings assured me they had more than enough time to sit down and do an interview. This made it ten times easier to decide whether I'd grab my crowbar and put them on, or opt for a clean sack cloth. In a riveting interview, here's what Jeggings had to say...

Me: It's so nice of you to sit down with me today. I know you're busy sitting next to my pajama pants.

Jeggings: My pleasure.

Me: So, how are things? After I brought you home from the store, I shoved you in the closet and haven't seen you since. Sorry about that.

Jeggings: Things are good. Your pajama bottoms take up most of the space, but I can still breathe. By the way, I think you may have a mouse..

Me: topic. What are you made of, again?

Jeggings: Pretty much all Spandex, plus an ingredient found in the darkest jungles of Borneo made of leaves and inchworms - that's the part that makes you depressed when you put me on.

Me: I thought it was cotton...

Jeggings: No. Inchworms.

Me: Huh.. Well, if I wear you today, what can I expect? 

Jeggings: I'll start by squeezing you like a sausage in a casing, followed by mild restricted airflow.

Me: Sometimes comfort's a small price to pay for fashion. What do you think?

Jeggings: Your choice of bedspread was well thought out.

Me: I guess what I really want to know is how I'll look if I chose to fly Air Jegging, today.

Jeggings: *cough*  It depends on what your definition of "good" is, but I'll start by swathing your body in a lustrous powder blue corset, and, while the muffin top will be at a minimum, your butt will be flattened ever so slightly... You don't mind a little "cardboard butt" do you?

Me: Maybe

Jeggings: I thought you were married.

Me: I am...

Jeggings: Nevermind.

Me: So what you're saying is I'll look like a trapeze artist wrapped in plastic wrap? Movie stars wear them and don't look like that. Why won't I look like a movie star, Jeggings?

Jeggings: What's a movie?

Me: Ok, I think we're out of time.

Jeggings: Oatmeal.

     The Jeggings were placed back in the closet. I'm scheduling another interview for a later date Be sure to tune in for the follow-up expose' "My Three Jeggings", and the third installment, "Bye Bye Jeggings"...

Until Next Time, Readers!