Friday, November 11, 2011

Fanmail Friday: More Unanswered Questions

Afternoon Readers,
     Last week I wrote a post attempting to answer all those questions you send me through your search engines. The positive response warmed my heart, and made me feel I'd done something for my fellow man besides forgetting to recycle everything besides my plastic bags. The only negative feedback I received was a lone message to my inbox:

Der Paige Kellerman,

It was so meen of yoo to right those things about me. Please stop telling everyone I can't rite good.


Kim K.
     Kim, I have absolutely no idea who you are, but if people are saying mean things about you, do what I do and go eat something. There's no shame in crying naked in the shower, while eating chocolate sauce from the jar, with your hand...

     Regardless, today, I'll be digging back into the mail bag and pulling out the top three searches requiring my immediate attention.

1.) "all i got for christmas was this fugly sweater"

I'm sorry to hear about your sweater. What concerns me is we're still a solid month and a half away from Christmas, so the sweater in question was obviously given to you last year. I suppose you contacted me to find out what you should do with it. After all, you've had an entire year to decide, and the thing's still hanging in your closet, scaring the crap out of you before you fall asleep at night. Here are my suggestions:

a.) burn it
b.) give it to your cousin who loves sweaters
c.) If it has John Stamos lovingly stitched into the front of it, send it to me. (Those don't just grown on trees.)

2.) "the uninvited guests stuck in fireplace"

     This seems to be a problem for most people. And, seeing as we'll be moving into the holiday season, it's best to address the situation before it gets out of hand. What I like to do, first, is check to see if whoever's stuck in your chimney is actually uninvited.

For example, did you invite Aunt Mildred over, but she never showed up?  It may just be a simple case of you accidentally locking the front door, and forcing your aunt to enter, via chimney. Her butt cheeks may have worked against her...

On the other hand, if the person stuck in your fireplace looks like a stranger, try prodding whatever body part's sticking out, with a poker. If they don't respond, they may be dead. Otherwise, try kindling some sweet-smelling wood chips from Pottery Barn, and seeing if you can get the "guests" out the way they came.

3.) "showtunes about babies"

Umm...none that I can think of. - Feel free weigh-in here, Readers.

Thanks for letting me help out. Remember, if you have any burning questions or unrequited thoughts, don't hesitate to search them through Google and inadvertently find my website...

Until Next Time, Readers!