Tuesday, November 15, 2011

It's Not You, It's Me: A Breakup Letter To Oreos

My heart is broken and my pants don't fit...so I guess you could say I have broken pants as well.
 Morning Readers,

     I don't like hurting anyone's feelings, but there comes a time in every woman's life when she must put her foot down and say, "My pants don't button anymore. I need you to leave." For the past several weeks, I've enjoyed a fun-filled relationship with my old friend the Oreo. But, as good old Bobby Dylan always says, "The times, they are a-changin." Today, I write to my chocolate companion to gently let him know we will be going through a period of separation until I can get my zipper zipped, once more...

A Letter To Oreos
The sun was shining on the sea, Shining with all his might: He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright-- And this was odd, because it was The middle of the night. - Lewis Carroll

Dear Oreos,

     How are you? I hope you enjoyed the above quote. It has absolutely nothing to do with why I'm writing you, but I know how much you like Lewis Carroll, so I thought I'd throw it in to ease your pain. Maybe I'm as sentimental as you always say I am...maybe I just like obscure quotes. Who knows? Did that make you laugh? 

I'll miss making you laugh....

     The past few weeks have been great. I mean, really great. Don't think I won't miss the late nights, the early mornings. Sometimes, when we'd lay in bed and watch TV, I couldn't help envisioning us as a slightly heavier version of Bella and Edward. "I want you to be my smooth, chocolatey princess of the night.", you'd whisper.

     "Yes." I'd reply as I rolled around in the crumbs.

     When we'd hide under the covers, you used to say that if I could eat a dozen of you, I'd live forever. You'll always be my blue, plastic, chocolatey vampire.

     But you lied; I won't live forever. Actually, I found out that if I keep eating a dozen of you a day, my life span may turn out to be substantially shorter than what I'm hoping for. Not to mention, I think Husband may be on to us. It's hard to hide the crackling when I shove you under my pillow, at night. Also, I think he saw the trail of crumbs leading from the kitchen, to the bathroom, to the closet.

     "Is someone here?" He'd asked.

     "Only the other half of my heart." I'd answered.  "My chocolatey, chocolatey heart."

     He hugged me and said, "You are so weird."

     Oh how I'd love to keep hiding you in my pockets and in the glove compartment, but the day has come when my the button on my pants screamed when I tried to close it. It's wrong to pick on defensless buttons, so I must bid you adieu for right now. This needs to be a clean break, so no throwing rocks at my window or leaving mixed tapes where you know I'll find them and be seduced back to you by the smooth, intoxicating sounds of Kenny G.

All my love,

Paige

Have you had to breakup with any of your vices lately?

Until Next Time, Readers!

30 comments:

  1. Me and pizza have to be done professionally for awhile. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Even worse than bodily injury.

    *cries*

    Great blog by the way. *followed*

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  2. B. - Pizza might be next, for it is my second love. I'll cross that bridge after I step on it and break it.. Thanks so much for reading and following!..:)

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  3. Well, I haven't eaten a chocolate bar for the past five weeks. It's paying off big style, but I have such a long way to go I think it's going to be Summer before I can return to my first love :-(

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  4. In the States I had my Mesquite BBQ potato chip lover. It was the most comforting relationship and just a waft from it's pillowy bag could make my heart flutter. Moving across the pond meant moving to countries that had skewed views of what true BBQ was...I was crushed to find my lover was no more and I was left with basically his harsh, ginger cousin who 'lacked proper seasoning' if you know what I mean.
    I have met someone new though and Sea Salt and Vinegar and I are closer than I ever was with Mesquite BBQ! But I'm also married so I really have to limit my special moments with Salt & Vinegar...my dear Salt & Vinegar...

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  5. I went four months without Red Bull last year. And there was a time I was drinking 6 Cokes a day, but I made a clean break December 31, 2005 and haven't had one since.

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  6. Not yet but in January I'm supposed to quit smoking. My letter won't be so nice. In fact you'll have to pardon my um shall we say bitchyness? lol Well done my friend. Another tribute to your writing skills.

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  7. Best break up note EVER! I'm sure oreos won't be able to laugh again for a long, long while. But love hurts and I only wish I had gotten break up notes as eloquently composed as that. As for breaking up with my vices? Well I ahaha, I have none, of course...I don't drink a liter of pepsi a week or five cups of coffee a day. I don't do that at all.

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  8. I have a brand new male vice and the break up is not in sight. He puts a twinkle in my eye. However, I had to break up with Oreos years ago. I was a total addict. Knowing that they use lard in that creamy white frosting helped me say goodbye. Once you quit, you can't ever pick up an Oreo again. It's like smack and crack. Once you start, you can't stop without going through hell.

    Love,
    Lola

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  9. I need to break up with just about every kind of delicious food at this point. Just walk away from the kitchen, the pantry, the grocery store, the corner store, the stash in my desk at work. I have been packing on the pounds to the point that my fat pants are now just regular pants that barely fit. UGH! I wish you the best of luck on your endeavor.

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  10. I once gave up red meat for a year just to see if I could. At the end of the year I came to an amazing conclusion: SO WHAT?! I didn't look or feel any better so I went out & had a sizzling, juicy delicious steak. (With NO guilt feelings.)

    By the way, overindulgence of Oreos (if there is indeed such a thing) can be easily handled by the purchase of pants with elastic waistbands.

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  11. I gotta say, fishducky makes the most sense ever. I think she should write a book full of advice like that =D

    I didn't come back here to re-read this post or anything...okay yes I did.

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  12. Sarah - I wish you the best of luck. I know how hard it can be quitting anything that has chocolate in it. Summer will be here before you know it...:)

    Padded Cell - Salt and vinegar is an excellent replacement. I've gone through addictions with it myself. But to not have barbeque over there? The humanity!

    Joshua - Coke is ridiculous hard to give up. We keep a supply on hand, and it's terribly hard to not answer the call once it beckons..

    Craziness - Thanks for the compliment! I too am a smoker, and still working on ways I can give it up. My posts may be little grumpier, as well, if that happens..:(

    AG - Oh coffee, I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of that...lol. No shame in five cups a day..no shame. I do think I hear the Oreos crying though..haha

    Lola - The lard factor may have just done it for me...ewwww. But still so tasty..

    Tracy - I also have fat pants that have turned into regular pants...I will now go weep into my coffee..

    Fishducky - You temptress! Did the Oreos send you? And yes, if I fail in this endeavor, elastic waistbands will be my new best friend.

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  13. AG - Yes, she's making too much sense. Enough sense that the chocolatey goodness is beckoning to me. Must. Stay. Stong. Bad Fishducky...LOL

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  14. You and Melynda smoke? This bad habit must end immediately. I won't tolerate it. Oh, gosh, I think the odor of stale cigarettes is wafting out from your blog. Wait -- it's starting to smell better. And better. Must run out and buy a pack and it's your fault. Haven't smoked in 35 years and never smoked seriously, but now I will.

    Love,
    Lola

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  15. I told you I had that steak WITHOUT guilt, but did I mention I had it WITH onion rings?

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  16. Lola - We do indeed, but I'm so sorry it caused you to fall off the wagon...or buy cigarettes off the wagon...either, or, my apologies...

    Fishducky - What were you sayding? ..all I heard was onion rings. Mmmmm...

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  17. I LOVE oreos AND Lewis Carroll LOL! That quote was epic. Then I kept singing that oyster song for the rest of your post. What is wrong with me?--wait don't answer that :0) LOL!

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  18. LMAO! Paige, you are a true talent. I've had to break up with so many delectable foods over the years that I can't bear to ponder the topic. Thank you for starting my day with a belly laugh.

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  19. I have tried before but I am still a lover of Oreo's.

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  20. Salted Caramel Mocha and Cinnamon Dulce Latte. *sigh* My two weak spots when it comes to Starbucks.

    Salted Caramel Mocha just happens to be the most caloric offering on the menu so I'm grateful it's a seasonal (Fall only) thing. I am only tempted by it 90 days a year, as opposed to 365. And even though I ordered a "tall, skinny" Cinnamon Dulce Latte (it has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Tall, skinny, as though that's what I'll be if I drink it) I came to the sad conclusion that I'd end up as a tall, fat customer if I continued to indulge.

    Now it's one cup of black coffee *shudder* in the morning to jump start my day, and that's it. I do pass the Starbucks counters in Safeway and Target slowly, though, just so I can breathe deep the fragrant aromas of pumpkin and ginger as they bring out their winter coffee flavors.;)

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  21. OMG! You had me at Oreo in the title. Then I cried as I read on. Okay, not literally. LOL

    I actually gave up A LOT of things this last year. Soda, carbs, anything yummy. :D Lately - they've been slowly creeping back in. Stop it! Bad food! Back! Off with you now. But in so doing I lost A LOT of weight in the process. So... willpower girl. It can be done. And those pants will zip up again.
    Then you can go get a school lunch pack Oreo treat to reward yourself. :)

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  22. Veal - You were singing the oyster song, because it's inescapable once you read Carroll..lol It's best to sing it while eating Oreos..:)

    Piper - Thank you and you're very welcome! It's best not to ponder all the great foods that have been lost along the way.

    Rick - I may come back to them..nay...I feel in my hear, they will come back to me. YOu know what they say, "If you love an Oreo, let it go.."

    Suzanne - I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Black coffee is a harsh alternative to the seductive smells of pumpkin and ginger in the fall. If only "tall" and "skinny" were really what we were getting... I must go cry now.

    Debra - I applaud your will power! The question really is though, how many lunch packs of Oreos do I have to buy to put together a full bag?...:)

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  23. Good thing we've been out of ice cream (and almost everything else) the past week and a half. I never thought of writing a farewell letter to ice cream, but I think you're on to something, Paige. Oh, how well I relate to the pants not fitting, even when sucking in my gut. It sure does suck! Thanks for putting a smile on my face. Again! I can always count on you!

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  24. I remember breaking up with Captain Morgan. I wasn't gay or anything, just had to stop drinking.

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  25. I may need to break up with cheesy nachos!

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  26. You make me laugh out loud! My favorite line: "My pants don't button anymore. I need you to leave." Don't we all say that at some point? How nice of you to quote Lewis Carroll for him, too. You are so, so kind, Paige.

    "My pants don't button anymore. I need you to leave."

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