Friday, November 18, 2011

Some Additional Questions

Morning Readers,

     Some of you may remember, back in May, things were rough. Convinced I was dying, I sent a desperate fax to heaven, submitting my application for sainthood. I didn't hear anything back, so I assumed everything was on the up and up, and things upstairs had been more or less settled in my favor. I was surprised then, to receive a fax, early this morning, somewhat to the contrary. After brushing the feathers off, the message stated clearly I needed to explain a few things before my application would be processed.


To: Paige Kellerman                                                       From: St. Peter

Regarding: Application For Sainthood                             CC: God

Dear Mrs. Kellerman,

     We have received and are reviewing your application for canonization. Please understand that there is a long line of people who believe they should be saints, as well, so our processing time is estimated to be somewhere between one to ninety years. While we understand taking care of twins is undeniably time consuming, there are just a few things that need to be cleared up before we can process your paperwork. Please answer all questions to the best of your ability and fax back to us. We thank you for your interest in heaven and wish you the best of luck.


St. Peter

Question 1: Today in the grocery store, you were observed losing patience with an elderly couple in front of the freezer. Please explain.

Dear St. Peter, Sir....I'll admit, I do get impatient sometimes, but the two old people were blocking the waffle cooler. I needed waffles. If you're going to debate which brand of waffle has more bran per square-inch, it needs to be done at home..before you leave for the store. Do you know what it's like to keep two babies from crying while Bob asks Edna, five times, whether "This'll clean me out?" If there aren't any waffles in heaven, please disregard this entire answer.

Question 2: You recently taught Sundance a bad word. Why?

I apologize, as I didn't realize she'd master consonants so well. Who knew she'd be able to sound out sh** so soon? Also, I really thought I was going to fall down the stairs. If I type it the word, does it count against me? If so, please disregard.

Question 3: You were observed losing patience with Husband last night. Please explain.

I don't know if you have video games up there, but it's called Call of Duty III.

Thank you for completing the application. Please fax back to 1-888-DEUS
So, all I have to do now is wait. I'm glad I have you guys to keep me company in the meantime.  

Anybody else lose their patience this week?

Until Next Time, Readers!