After Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson broke up, I vowed I'd never cry myself to sleep over a celebrity couple, ever again. I think I speak for everyone when I shake a fist at Hollywood and say, "How dare you mess with our lives and our hearts? When you bicker over who looks better in jeggings and giant sunglasses, do we not bleed? When you take eachother's miniature dachshunds, in the divorce, do we, the common people, not be-cry the very sun, "Why, Lord, why?" This time, Husband found me in the kitchen..
"What are you doing?"
I looked up. "In case you didn't hear, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are getting a divorce. I'm building a diorama, composed entirely of marshmallows, depicting their wedding vows, forever freezing their committed faces in stale sugar."
"That's a little much, don't you think? What's for dinner?"
"Tears. Cold tears. How else am I supposed to deal with this?"
"Do we have anymore Coke left?"
"Coke?.... Wait.. "Coke" has a "K" in it, which is right next to "L", in the alphabet. And the word "letter" starts with "L". I'll write her a letter."
I didn't have time to see if Husband found anything to drink; I awayed to the computer and typed up a storm. Here's what I have so far. If you'd be so kind, please spell check for me, Readers:
A Letter To Kim Kardashian
Nov. 2, 2011
How are you? I hope this letter finds your eyeliner even. It saddened me deeply to hear about your recent decision to file for divorce from your newly-minted husband. I'm writing today to tell you that I don't really think you gave it the old college try. Wikipedia tells me you didn't go to college, so maybe that's why. Either or, two months is a rather short time to try on a marriage. Everyone knows it's not until the third month of marriage your husband's flaws are truly exposed.
If you just hang in there a little longer, you'll find out he married you because he thought you could cook, and you, him, because you thought he'd needlepoint kittens onto pillows, with you. You're both so wrong, but at least you have reasons for not liking each other.
But it's not enough to stay together long enough to get to gather basic details about each other. Next, you have to give away all of your money. Poor people are forced to stay together. Take me and Husband; Most of our conflicts are settled over bowls of Ramen and pictures of what a cake would taste like. Once you don't have any money, you'll be forced to stare at each other like blow fish, until someone apologizes and you both figure out how you're going to pay that loan shark back. Easy peasy.
I guess what I'm trying to say is go to college and give away your money. If this letter manages to save your marriage, please send money. The loan shark says he won't accept anymore Tootsie pops.
P.S. Do you know what a "leg breaker" is?
How do you heal after a bad celebrity breakup? I may never figure it out...
Until Next Time, Readers!