Friday, November 4, 2011

Unanswered Questions, Unrequited Thoughts

Afternoon Readers,
     I like to think I have the best Readers in the whole world, so it pains me when I see the search terms some of you are having to use to get here. Not because they're bad, but because I feel they're really questions you're trying to ask me, but can't get an answer to. Today, I'd like to address the top searches I received this week, and give you some closure. 

1.) "i smooshed a spider"

     Whoever you are, thank you. It gives me great satisfaction to know that, even though I haven't had the pleasure of killing any spiders lately, you, my masked friend, are out there doing what needs to be done. Remember, if you're going to "smoosh", use a shoe. If you're going to "smash", use an old copy of "O" magazine. Your bravery moves me.

2.) "yea though I walk shirt"

     This one concerned me a bit. It sounds like you have a poltergeist problem. If this is the case, for heaven's sake, get off the computer, and go find someone to get rid of Casper. No one likes a possessed Guns N Roses cut-off, except Guns N Roses.
(please note: if your shirt happens to be a Celine Dion concert tee, you'll need to call an exorcist.)

3.) "You crack me up more than a"

     Dear Reader, it sounds like you're at a crossroads. To help you decide, please rate my humor on a scale of one-to-ten. One being an ostrich with malaria and ten a baby who laughs at paper being ripped. Please inbox me on what you decide.

4.) "way to write kim kardashian"

     This one confused me a little until I figured out you weren't so much trying to figure out how to spell her name, as give a high five on her awesome writing achievements. I know, I loved her essay on transcendentalism in a post Stalinist society, as well.

5.) "what to say when you give your mom an award"

     I don't know your mom, but she sounds pretty special. If it were me, I'd go with a solid high-five. Then again, if you're giving her the "Worst Mom Ever" award, a quick review of what the restraining order clearly outlines will probably be sufficient.

     I hope this helps clear a few things up. I look forward to all your future searches and unanswered questions....

Until Next Time, Readers!