Monday, December 12, 2011

Bean There, Done That

Morning Readers,

     Over the weekend, between changing diapers and banging my head against the wall, chance delivered me an interesting blurb on TV. The woman on the box looked so sad, it was all I could do to stop and listen. Using my forehead to turn up the volume, I jumped in in time to catch the reporter grill the poor dear. "So, you say you haven't had coffee in eighteen months?" She replied in the affirmative, pointed to her children and broke down sobbing. I patted the screen. Poor Rookie.

     There was a time I thought my days with Mr. Coffee's charms were over. From the time the babies came home to roughly yesterday, fate would intervene, reach her gnarly hand out, and slap my mug in my face. Most days, I'd curl up in a ball and use my tears to scrub the dirt off the oven door, and scream,

"I hate you fate and the fact you dislike keenly crafted earthen ware."

     But one day, while perusing The Parenting Handbook and bemoaning the fact I'd kissed my last coffee bean, I came across a list I've been using since this morning. Because I'm a nurturer of sorts, I've copied it down by hand using my keyboard, so that everyone may benefit from these most essential of tips:

How to Have a Cup of Coffee After Children.. Or, Bean There, Done That

1.) Don't Forget

     I've heard it a billion times from moms, "I don't even remember to put on underwear in the morning, how do I remember to make coffee?" I know this is a tough one, but the key to getting to enjoy a hot cup of jo is remembering to actually make it. These are some things that work for me:

- Put your underwear next to the coffee pot or Keurig.  (Caution: Do not use them as a filter. Fruit of the Loom doesn't mean java will come flowing out tasting like strawberries or grapes. Trust me on this.)

-Write notes on your husband's face. This may mess with intimacy, but I'm starting to enjoy rolling over and whispering, "That's what I meant to do today", seeing Husband's face light up with a false sense of hope, and running downstairs to hug the coffee pot.

- Where you used to write birthdays, appointment times and doodles on the calender, start putting, "Make coffee". Will your mother forgive you for not getting her anything? No, but I'll be a monkey's uncle if you're eyelids aren't pried open by the sweet prongs of caffeine, when she calls and tells you you're adopted.

2.) Save the Coffee

     Right now, this is my number one to watch out for. I make the mug of sweet nectar, and a baby scales the counter like a Himalayan mountain goat and slaps coffee all over the floor. You hear that sound? That's your spirit dying. Bye, spirit....
Try this:

- Put the coffee up where no one under three feet can reach it. For example, have you thought of taking a nice trip to Pikes Peak or the Eiffel Tower? Both great places to perch a mug. No site-seeing, though. Stay focused and remember you only bought that plane ticket to save your coffee. Yes, this does makes perfect sense.

- If you're like me and insist on putting your coffee right next to the computer because you're determined to drink coffee and check Facebook, Twitter, Pintrest, email, eighty blogs the weather, be on the lookout. If you get distracted, turn around, and see a baby about to slap your coffee, do the following...

  • Speak in soft, dulcet tones
  • Don't spook it. Approach the baby nice and easy. An angry baby is a baby that can move twice its weight and throw five times as far. If it makes a quick dive, try putting yourself between it and the mug...
  • Call someone who owns a magic flute or guitar, and can lull the baby to sleep like a tiny dragon, and scoop it off the counter. (Note: DO NOT call the Pied Piper of Hamelin..I heard they never got those kids back.)
  • Whatever you do, don't start shouting, "No no no no no" and waiving your arms around like your trying out for Beyonce's next music video. Studies have shown most babies hear, "Spill that coffee, right now, fat baby, and there's a cookie in it for you."
3.) I don't have a third tip. If none of the above is working for you, I hear cold tea is really good for a person...you can even brew it the night before. Just remember to put your underwear next to the pitcher.

Who loves coffee? Let me see a show of hands....

Until Next Time, Readers!