Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dear Santa ...and A Giveaway

Morning Readers,

     You've caught me at a good time. I've just finished drafting my letter to Santa. What, I'm too old? Nonsense. If I've ever needed charity from a an overweight guy in a plush suit, this is the year. You guys should all be nodding in unison. Ok, look it over and let me know if I've missed anything; I've got to get this in the mail sometime yesterday:

A Letter to Santa
December 13, 2012

Dear Santa,

     How are you? Probably busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest...that's what my mom would say anyway - Just an aside, did she tell you what she wanted? She never tells me, which I find really frustrating, so I always call her and say, "Why don't you ever tell me what you want?", and she's always like, "Stop calling here."

Where was I?...

     Oh yes, I'm writing to let you know there's a few things I'd like this year. Before you jump to conclusions, I don't want what I asked for last year. As it turns out, no one my age wears roller blades, anymore...but if you still want to send that signed Hanson poster, I won't send it back or anything. Oh yeah, and all that extra underwear's probably still a solid request.

      At any rate, this is where I need your full attention. Don't send candy. Wait, I didn't mean that. I'm saying things I don't mean out of exhaustion. Speaking of, if you could make it so the kids slept until noon, that would be great. Not just on Christmas, but all the time. If you just made that happen, I'd have the energy to do all the stuff I want to on a daily basis, like skydiving or finishing breakfast. Besides that, here are a few gifts to keep in mind:

  • The ability for men to hear babies crying at night
  • A value back of Reeses
  • For off-brand coffee to taste like Starbucks
  • That really cute sweater I lost in college which probably wouldn't fit now. It's just that I spent some money on it and would like it back for posterity's sake.
  • World Peace
  • A matching pair of earings
  • Yoga pants that don't ride up
  • For Flea to get a decent job and move out
  • A self-cleaning bathroom
  • Two tickets to that thing I love
  • And a Stamos in a pear tree

Love, (on a conditional basis you get me everything I specified)



     Ok, so I'm hoping, after another three or four drafts, that fine piece of literary achievement will be ready to pop in the mail. In the meantime, I've decided to do a Christmas giveaway. Leave your name and email in the comments, and I'll enter you for a 20.00 gift card to iTunes. I was going to give away this six-hundred-dollar couch from Pottery Barn, but they were all sold out...can you imagine the bad luck? Everyone's name goes into a hat, Butch and Sundance will draw the winner, on Friday, and I'll email the gift card with no waiting.

If you're confused how exactly to use a 15.00 iTunes gift card, allow me:

- Buy fifteen songs you're not sure are any good. This is only a suggestion. I don't want any angry emails about how you thought Britney's new cd was going to be so good and it wasn't.
- Splurge on that Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits you're always denying yourself.
- Buy two songs and save the rest of the card for when you feel like spending it.
- Use it to buy half of two albums, combine them on a playlist, and name it A Very Bieber Christmas Charlie Brown.
- Gift cards make great teenie tiny ice scrapers for those frosty days, if you get up two hours before you have to be at work. (For those of you in warm states, it works just as well as a book mark.)

Feel free to share what's on your Christmas list this year...

Until Next Time, Readers!