Friday, December 2, 2011

Fanmail Friday: Someone Please Feed Me

Morning Readers,
     My goodness, we have a lot to do today. I couldn't sleep last night for fear your burning questions and unanswered thoughts would stalk me like nimble wolves and eat me in my sleep. I heard the search engines cranking and the incomplete sentences being fired in my direction. I breathed in Husband's ear. "How can I find rest when my Readers are out there Googling things that make no sense and somehow ending up on my blog?" He told me to release his shirt collar and go to sleep, but I'm here to say, let's get to work...
1.) "what does someone please feed me mean"

     It seems to me you're well fed enough to type on the computer, so I'm going to dance out on a limb and say you were asked this by the person you have locked-up in the basement. First off, go feed the person. Second, go call the police on yourself.

....On second thought, if your dog left you message, he may be a talking dog and worth selling to Disney for a price. Go ahead and feed him, but call me if you get into any negotiations...

My next three questions come from a Reader who seems to be going back and forth with a dilemma. Go ahead..shoot.

2. "clean break up letter"

     In my experience, it's best not to use dirty words if you've taken the time to write a letter. It might make you look rash, which might make the person you're breaking up with think they're better off without you because of your poor vocabulary. Then they'll start dating your best friend. Have a fun, awkward time at the office Christmas party.

If you're asking whether it's ok to wash the letter before you send it, no, don't do that. Paper disintegrates in water.

3.) "it's not you, it's me break up letter"

     We've already established that you're the one writing the letter, per your previous query. But now that you've made peace with it. Next...

4.) "open love letter to husband"

     Whoa, whoa, whoa....just because you left your soul mate, doesn't mean you can have mine. That said, please know I don't retain any harsh feelings and would appreciate it if you didn't unsubscribe to the blog.

5.) "theres kellerman"

     Yes, here I am. Unless you were looking for a Theresa Kellerman, per chance? I don't know one, so feel free to jump in here, everyone. Please, no specific addresses or phone numbers.

Remember, if you have any burning questions or unrequited thoughts, don't hesitate to search them through Google and inadvertently find my website...

If you have any additional advice I left out, feel free to add it in comments... 

Until Next Time, Readers!