Friday, December 23, 2011

Merry Christmas: My Secret Recipe For Oreo Balls

Afternoon Readers,

     As I prepare to embark on a whirlwind of a weekend, I thought I'd go ahead and give you your gift, a little bit early. It's not much, just a recipe I made yesterday. But you know how fabulous it is anytime I cook, so you'll want to grab a pen, paper and some Vicodin. It's most of my meals are, but if you need any tips on execution, feel free to inbox me. I'll be rocking back and forth under the tree...

Oreo Balls

You Will Need: 
The biggest bag of Double-Stuff Oreos on the market, beer, 1 package cream cheese (softened), the patience of a saint, a bowl, quick reflexes, wax paper, music to keep you focused (I like any selection by The Carpenters), a cookie sheet, a clean spot on the floor to prostrate yourself on, dipping chocolate, a stronger liqueur if the beer isn't doing it ( I like Gin, but also like to think of myself as flexible, so whiskey works just as well).

1.) Start by putting both the cream cheese and your kids out to soften. A good episode of Barney will work for both these purposes. Just make sure to set the cream cheese on the hot cable box.

2.) Powerwalk back to the kitchen; this will help keep thighs tight after you've eaten all the Oreo balls, and give you a sense of purpose when you take out the bowl and dump the Oreos in.

3.) Using an extra beater that goes to the hand mixer you haven't spoken to in several months, begin crushing Oreos by hand, using the old "mortar and pestle" method. You can use a food processor, but you won't be able to read blogs while turning those delicious cookies into an unrecognizable heap of graveyard dirt..or "Holiday Dirt", if you want your Oreo balls to have a more of a pc taste.

4.) Stop everything you're doing and run back to living room. While your cookie crumbs are idling, you have ample time to put the Christmas tree back together. Alas, Barney couldn't save it, tho he is a substantial size dinosaur. Try to re-hang colored balls in the order you originally arranged them.

5.) Slump back to the kitchen (remember to smile), grabbing the cream cheese as you go, and splat it into the bowl with the crumbs, which should still be crumbly. Work all ingredients into a ball the size of your baby's head when it was born. Marvel at the fact you're holding an entire package of Oreos in your hand and could eat all of it without anyone knowing. 

6.) Stop and call your mom to come babysit while you try to shop for something for your kids to wear to mass on Christmas Eve. Use this time to roll the dough into 1 inch balls and set them on the cookie sheet.

7.) By this time, you should be closing in on the last three pieces of dough. A relief , as you hear the TV being ripped out of the wall. Jog to the living room and, using your wrists, remove both children from TV stand.

8.) Put dough in the freezer for 15 minutes.   

9.) While dough freezes, begin melting your chocolate. Stir frequently between fights. 

10.) Open beer. Reevaluate your life. Decide you like it, just in time to take dough back out of the freezer.

11.) Attach one toddler to each leg, and dip balls into melted chocolate. Let candy set-up and refrigerate to store.
12.) Proudly announce to Husband you made Christmas candy as a surprise for him to take to work. 

13.) Frown as you watch him leave without it, the next day.

14.) Take shot of Whiskey.
How are you getting ready for the big weekend?

Merry Christmas, Readers!