Friday, December 30, 2011

Gimme Some Resolution

Morning Readers,
     Well, here we are at the end of another year. Almost three-hundred-sixty-five days behind us, and, in my case, prospectively bigger pants in front. Some of you are probably wondering what type of resolutions I've made for 2012. I'll let you see the rough draft I've been working on:

Resolutions: 
(As organized by me, at this moment in time, not withstanding any changes that may occur due to laziness, sickness, marmot attacks)

- Quit smoking period as much as last year, but not so much so as to totally quit, but enough to say, casually, at parties, "I do, yes..but only every once in a while...every other Saturday, when it's my Sunday off."

Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Cowboy Gets A Haircut

"What do you think you're doin' with those clippers, Partner?"
Morning Readers,

     Before we get started, a brief word from our sponsors....     

Nog:
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Nog.... Because no one's quite sure what's in there. Have you Nogged today?

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Racked With Jealousy...

Morning Readers,

     Yesterday afternoon, Husband and I got together and proclaimed our joint "crazy level" to be a ten. We even doodled little, ink hearts on the insides of our wrists. "P+H= Crazy Forever, Can't be at tamed, etc, etc". The ink hadn't dried by the time we decided to venture to the mall...on the day after Christmas....because, again...we lost our sanity somewhere between "I do" and "It's a boy and a girl" and "Here's your mortgage payment" and "All this time he thought Paige was short for Penelope." One of the busiest shopping days of the year, yesterday caused me anxiety for all the wrong reasons. I thought it'd be difficult due mass migration of those looking for Mrs. Field's Cookies...what I got was another affirmation as to why mothers can't dress like the rest of society...

Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas In Review

Morning Readers,
     I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas. We're still trying to shake ourselves into consciousness, over here. Presents have been put away, coffee introduced intravenously, and I've sneaked away so I can post this weekend's reviews. It had been a silent Christmas wish of mine that they'd be done by today, so you can imagine my delight when I saw them wrapped in dirty brown paper, sitting on my doorstep this morning. I'm fairly please with what people are saying. I'll let you read while I go melt some more chocolate to apply as a facial I can eat off...

Friday, December 23, 2011

Merry Christmas: My Secret Recipe For Oreo Balls

Afternoon Readers,

     As I prepare to embark on a whirlwind of a weekend, I thought I'd go ahead and give you your gift, a little bit early. It's not much, just a recipe I made yesterday. But you know how fabulous it is anytime I cook, so you'll want to grab a pen, paper and some Vicodin. It's Oreo-based...as most of my meals are, but if you need any tips on execution, feel free to inbox me. I'll be rocking back and forth under the tree...

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The Time Is Now 3:50 and Rising

Morning Readers,
     I'm starting to notice a disturbing trend in my day. Yesterday marked the thousandth time I've run by the oven, looked at the temperature, and assumed it was the time. "But Paige, that only happens in the movies...and maybe to people on meth", you say. I agree..and maybe you're right...not about the meth...unless snorting Oreos is somehow frowned upon.. but, nonetheless, I jogged by the appliance, glanced at the digital clock, and proclaimed to the dishtowel it was now, "3:50, and time to go get the mail." But the mailbox was empty, and I was left confused. The enchiladas were done, though...

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Kate Middleton's Sizzle Vs. My Fizzle

Morning Readers,
     Amidst the rush that is getting ready for Christmas, it occurred to me I haven't a thing to wear to church on Christmas Eve. While perusing the internet and deciding between what I wore last year and what I could make out of my old drapes and left-over gift tags, I stumbled upon a picture with this caption, "Kate Middleton Sizzles in Strapless Gown At Military Event". I considered. Had I ever sizzled in anything before? And, if not, was it worth getting worked up over a new outfit if I was, in fact, not going to sizzle, or even sputter, for that matter? Without a moment to lose, I sent a mass email to friends, family and acquaintances, polling everyone on my sizzle...

Monday, December 19, 2011

Pick Your Battles

Morning Readers,

     From what I gathered off the evening news,Sunday, people look forward to the weekend. This confused me, until I did some research and found out those same people are single with no children. Apparently, they hang out with each other, drinking, laughing, ankles free of little hands trying to pin their feet together so they trip into the refrigerator and knock off the eight Christmas cards being held to the surface by one, solitary turkey-shaped magnet. I however, don't look forward to the weekend. Not only is my Saturday the identical twin of my Monday, I'm required to teach battle tactics to Husband...

Friday, December 16, 2011

Fanmail Friday and A Giveaway Winner

Afternoon Readers,
    Today, I'd like to start by congratulating Melynda on winning the 20.00 gift card to iTunes -picked by the chubby hand of the lovely Sundance, herself. I'm sorry it wasn't a six-hundred-dollar couch from Pottery Barn, but these things do happen. If you guys haven't checked out her fantastic blog, please pop on over for a visit. Now then, the next order of business is digging into the mail bag, and seeing what questions you all have been sending me, via search engine. My answers may be a bit shorter than usual because I'm making scampi, and only have an hour to go catch the shrimp (made all the more complicated by living in the Midwest) and churn the butter....

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Reginald Mixes It Up

Morning Readers,
     I have a special affection for all my household goods: the broom's dusty smile, the refrigerator's happy outlook on life, the catch-all spirit of the trashcan. But, it's the unused items in my home that hold a special place in my heart. Today, I'm going to introduce you to a member of my kitchen, an item that's been on my counter so long without use, I wouldn't be able to find the cabinets if it weren't for his steadfast gleam acting as beacon to the plates and cutlery. ( To my Mother-in-law: If you're reading, you may want to stop and I'll tell you a different version later.) I'm pleased to introduce my Kitchen Aid mixer...Reginald.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dear Santa ...and A Giveaway

Morning Readers,

     You've caught me at a good time. I've just finished drafting my letter to Santa. What, I'm too old? Nonsense. If I've ever needed charity from a an overweight guy in a plush suit, this is the year. You guys should all be nodding in unison. Ok, look it over and let me know if I've missed anything; I've got to get this in the mail sometime yesterday:

A Letter to Santa
December 13, 2012

Dear Santa,

Monday, December 12, 2011

Bean There, Done That

Morning Readers,

     Over the weekend, between changing diapers and banging my head against the wall, chance delivered me an interesting blurb on TV. The woman on the box looked so sad, it was all I could do to stop and listen. Using my forehead to turn up the volume, I jumped in in time to catch the reporter grill the poor dear. "So, you say you haven't had coffee in eighteen months?" She replied in the affirmative, pointed to her children and broke down sobbing. I patted the screen. Poor Rookie.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Where the Red Fern Groans: The Origin of Flea

Morning Readers,

     Who wants to hear a story about why I hate my dog? Of course you do, mostly because it's the only way to tell whether I've killed him or not. I really should start keeping a little update on the side of the blog. It'd look something like this:

Today Flea is: Dead...:(  Alive ...:)
copywrite paigekellerman blah blah blah

I'll let you be the judge...

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Well, Deck My Halls

Morning Readers,
     Yesterday morning, I started hyperventilating. Don't worry, it's only a seasonal problem. I'd finally flipped the calendar from November to December, and couldn't help noticing the proximity of Christmas to where I was standing. The funny thing about children is they grow, and this year, they're just competent enough to start making memories of the way I used to never do fun holiday activities with them. Years from now, they won't go to college because of this, and call every Christmas to remind me how they never turned their hand print into a reindeer. It's a vicious circle. Terribly complex. Anyhow, determined we do something, I decided to hop on the old internets and find a simple craft to get us in the spirit...

..the spirit of what, I'm still deciding.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Bottoming Out

Morning Readers,

     I make it somewhat of a priority to never look at my rear. The few times I have, since the babies, it's taken eight weeks of being in a coma, three session of hypnotherapy and a five-thousand-dollar medical bill to put my mind at ease again. But, Friday (not "Butt Friday"), I decided to take a gander. My hair, looking like it'd just hosted a cock fight, gave me hope that, whatever I found back there, had a great chance of lifting my spirits, or, at the very least, would keep me running in neutral long enough to make it to fill out my application for America's Next Top Model. Turns out, I should be more frightened by the state of my pants than the quality of my caboose...

Friday, December 2, 2011

Fanmail Friday: Someone Please Feed Me

Morning Readers,
     My goodness, we have a lot to do today. I couldn't sleep last night for fear your burning questions and unanswered thoughts would stalk me like nimble wolves and eat me in my sleep. I heard the search engines cranking and the incomplete sentences being fired in my direction. I breathed in Husband's ear. "How can I find rest when my Readers are out there Googling things that make no sense and somehow ending up on my blog?" He told me to release his shirt collar and go to sleep, but I'm here to say, let's get to work...

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Newspaper Day

Morning Readers,

     Yesterday was a big day - bigger than the time I switched to tummy panels in all my pants and jogged up and down the street singing the Hallelujah chorus and squeezing stray squirrels - because, as many of you know, I got my first humor column published in the newspaper. Feel free to pop on over and read it here. I'll wait... To say I was excited may be an understatement, but I have to pick an emotion, and that one seems the least aggressive. The only downside is, in all that excitement, I became a little forgetful, which is why I'm so glad my mom showed up...