Monday, January 30, 2012

Before We Start This Pregnancy Together: A Survival Kit

Afternoon Readers,

     I'd like to start by thanking each and every one of you for all the kind and wonderful words received after last Friday's announcement. Is this blog about to get a little crazier? I won't lie to you...yes. Until the tentative date of September 9th, your hostess is going to get bigger, slower and do a great more staring absently at strangers because she can't remember how she ended up barefoot and wandering through parking lots, due to pregnancy brain. So, before we start this long journey together, I've prepared a survival kit for each of you...
                                                                         Survival Kit

Inside, you will find:

1 official decoder ring
1 alcohol of your choice
2 shot glasses
1 blanket
1 Banner reading "It's a boy/girl"
2 sets of The Hunger Games Series

Things you will need to know about your supplies:

1.) As a heads up, I won't be going into extensive detail about the ins and outs of this pregnancy. I'm currently working on a book about pregnancy, so I don't want to inundate you will too much grisly information. However, that doesn't mean my posts will make any sense. The fatter I get, my capacity for writing coherent things will likely suffer.

Please keep your decoder ring on you at all times. Being able to utilize it at a moment's notice could be the difference between reading, "I killed time at the grocery store," and "I killed someone at the grocery store." It will most likely be the latter...

2.) I can't drink. Plain and simple. No more Gin and Tonics for this lady. Therefore, I've included a voucher for an alcohol of your choice and two shot glasses. Every time you read this blog, you're required to take a shot for you and me.

If you don't drink, pour some Crystal light in there and lie to me....also, if we didn't meet at the bar, how did we meet again?

3.) We're not finding out the sex of this baby, so I've equipped you with a banner you can safely waive when I head to the hospital.

4.) The blanket isn't for anything in particular, but, if I'm going to be napping so much, you should be able to, as well. Try to be discreet when you're at your desk. Oh, and it's a poly-cotton-satin mix, so you'll have to hand wash. I know. I know..but I got a discount for buying in bulk.

5.) There's a chance I end up completely unintelligible a couple weeks before the blessed event. Therefore, I've included the entire set of The Hunger Games, one for you and one for a friend, so you can discuss it. No one likes being the only one out of the friends who's read something, and then has to jump on an internet forum just so she can find people who've read it as well. 

Please take that time to read the series, and we'll go over it when they release me. By that point, you'll be so depressed from being mired in a dystopian world, you'll think my baby's the sign humanity's been waiting on to bring hope into an otherwise dark and unhygienic society.

Bonus Material/Director's Cut

  • I may write posts comprised entirely of the phrase, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!...poop."
  • Not to let everyone down but it is only one baby and not two, this time. We'll try harder next time.
  • I'm eating sour candy and juice. I think I just felt the baby do a double sow cow, from all the sugar.
  • The twins have no idea what's coming.
Hope you guys are having a fantabulous Monday! ...I'm off to go eat some more.

Until Next Time, Readers!