Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Where High Meets Waisted...

 Morning Readers,
     Today, it's time to talk about pants. I know what you're thinking, "But, Paige, I didn't wear pants today, how can I participate?" No worries. Grab that fax sheet, cover yourself, and we shall begin, because this concerns the serious topic of high-wasted slacks.... I've heard them called many things: mom-jeans, pancake-booty-causer, Bermuda Triangle Back-End, etc. But, these pants have sneaked back into our hearts and our closets. I own two pair. I throw birthday parties for both of them. I may or may not make Husband sleep on the couch so the pants can have the left side of the bed, on Wednesday nights....

     It's hard to explain to non-believers why I love my high waists so much, so, I must illustrate in five brassiere-grazing points....
My Top Five Reasons to Wear Higher Pants

1.)  Extra Shelter

     A few months ago, I found myself at a very chic backyard barbeque. Out of nowhere, a monstrous tornado dropped out of the sky and barreled straight towards myself and all of the guests. Without a thought, I dropped my cigarette and pineapple-and-bologna kabob, and motioned for everyone to gather round. In a flash, I'd stretched all the extra fabric up and over a crowd of twenty. 

     A young woman smiled at me gratefully through powder-blue cotton. "Thanks, Lady." 

     I patted her on the head. "Don't thank me. Thank my pants. The bonus panel around my neck is what saved us today. I'm just a regular citizen trying to do the right thing."

2.) Snack Storage

     If your place of business is anything like where I used to work, you spend your days trapped in a cubicle, letting your soul drip into a pan beside you. It doesn't have to be an excruciating wait, though. When your neighbor looks over and says, "Gee, Cindy, I don't think I'll make it till lunch time. Tell my family I love them", you can confidently pull both peanut butter sandwiches out of your high waist and truly earn the title of "Office Sharer". Because, as you remind yourself...everyone likes warm peanut butter.

3.) E-Book Holder    
     This one should be obvious, but I can't even count the interested looks I've received while pulling my Kindle out of my pants, at Barns and Noble.

4.) Impromptu Measuring Tape 

     I bumped into a lady in the grocery store parking lot, while trying to load eight pounds of cheese in next to my spare tire. She tapped me on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but I'm afraid I don't know how far it is from the door of the store to the door of my car. Any idea?"

     I get this question all the time, and, knowing that it's exactly seven feet from the bottom of my high-waisted jeans to where they hit me at the top of my rib cage, I can usually assist in any type of measuring emergencies. All the sidewalks next to my house were gauged using this method. There's also a reason all the shelves in our house are impeccably straight.

5.) Consideration for Others

     I like to stay up and work, while Husband is desperate to go to sleep. This entire post was typed from inside my high-waisted jeans, their sturdy construction blocking any and all computer light from escaping and disturbing my soul-mate's beauty rest.

Ok, group vote; What do you think about high-waisted pants?

Until Next Time, Readers!    

A Note:
Last week, my friend Grace, over at her fantastic blog "Camp Patton", brought this serious issue to light. After I read her post I thought I was the daughter , I knew something needed to be said. Grace is a long-lost friend who I most-recently found was following my blog and I was too dull to realize it. Having gone to camp together as children, we hadn't spoken for years and years, until a week or so ago. Thankfully, we reconnected just in time to address said pant issue. Thank you, Grace.