Friday, February 3, 2012

Fanmail Friday: Barefoot and Sockless

Most of these are bills...but I found a few from you guys..
Morning Readers,

     I'd like to thank you for being patient with me, this week. The nausea got the better of me, so getting three posts, instead of four, to you is something I feel terrible about. Then again, is that narcissistic? "I really need get something fresh out, everyday, because people will die if they don't drink in every single word I type." Oh goodness, I didn't even think about that. I can't take a show of hands, but leave a comment to let me know you didn't die on Thursday, from not having a fresh post. Now I'm worried again....

     We must press on, however. This week, while I was debating whether I wanted seltzer water or seltzer water for breakfast, the internet was busy taking your queries and sending them my way. Let me grab a cookie and to business we shall get down... that came out weird.

1.) "kim kardsashian rare"

     Unless you're talking about some sort of steak special Hereford House has got going on, no, no she's not. My cable box tells me her and her family have fifty TV shows between them, so she could be here for a while. The good news is most of her traffic gets directed my way, so it's got to be frustrating knowing a chubby housewife is drawing 40% of her audience.

Maybe E! will offer me a reality show, and call it, "Hey, Another Pair of Your Pants Stopped Fitting".

2.) "ended up barefoot" - pregnant

     Yep, it was my non-existent love for socks that did it. No one warns you about the socks. "If you take those socks off, you could get pregnant." I blame Fruit of the Loom for not putting a warning on the packaging, "Removal of ankle socks may result in baby." It's just that love being barefoot so much....

Get your mind out of the gutter. I simply enjoy the feel of wood laminate under my ski-like feet.

3.) "What not to do at a dinner interview"

     Dear Reader, I'm going to hop right in and put the goat on the table. What the heck are you doing being interviewed over dinner? I can only think of a few jobs that require that type of set-up. Ever seen Pretty Woman? Get thee to a cubicle-type interview, post haste.

If you insist on going to the interview, anyway, please don't:
  • Laugh hysterically if a man tries to snap your finger in a jewelry box.
  • Accept an employee handbook that looks like a giant wad of hundred-dollar bills
  • Respond to the phrase, "It's an over-night orientation", with anything other than dialing 911.
     Okie doke, I must away in search of more seltzer water and a cookie. But, remember, if you or someone you know has a burning question or unrequited query, please don't hesitate to put it into Google and find my website, by accident.

As usual, feel free to weigh-in with any advice I may have left out...

Until Next Time, Readers!