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| "Thou makest my chips even more extreme..." |
Afternoon Readers,
In case you missed the memo, yesterday kicked-off Lent, and a clean slate for anyone making the attempt to give something up for forty days. I'd like to say pregnant women and Lent mix really well, but it's extremely hard to ask someone who's expanding by leaps and bounds, to pick something to give up that they may or may not die without eating at 1am. In a blitz of bravery and stoicism, I targeted candy and pulled the trigger. That's right, me, candy, no eat. Sour Patch Kids all over the world just hugged their families and started weeping uncontrollably. Because of the new resolution, I've turned to my old confidant, Sour Cream, to be my solace. Today, I write to my dear friend...
A Letter To Sour Cream
Dear Sour Cream,
How are you? I'm good, but the laptop on my bare legs is overheating my knee caps. As I never write you, this letter probably comes as somewhat of a shock After all, there isn't much conversation when I storm to the refrigerator, rip you off the top shelf and and shout, "You're coming with me."
...I'm afraid I scared you, and I'm sorry. No one likes feeling as if they've been forced to reenact scenes from Ransom.
I'd also like to apologize for dragging you back to my bedroom and forcing you to watch TLC with me, for several hours. Husband says that cruel to do to anyone, but you had to sit in a tub, so that's even worse.
Might as well get down to business. I've given up candy for Lent. Because of this, I'll need a go-to, when the urge to tie myself up in licorice knots and eat my way out, like a fat Houdini, hits. I soundly wish I could sugar-coat this horrible reality for you, but, that's life. I wish I hadn't found out I wasn't a size 6, alone and vulnerable in that dressing room, several years ago. Did you know, if you cry on clothes, you have to buy them...even if you turned them inside out, first?
That said, here is a list of duties you may be called up to execute at any given moment:
- Substitute for any and all varieties of dip.
- Be there to compliment a bag of Doritos
- Be there to compliment
vegitables- Be there to compliment bread
- Be there to compliment pitas
- Be there to compliment cookies
- Be there to compliment chili and assorted stews
- Be there to compliment anything I make off Pintrest, whether it calls for sour cream or not
- Be there to compliment pie
- Be there to compliment Ice cream
- Be there to compliment my hand - I reserve the right to eat you straight out of the tub.
- Be there to compliment anything edible found in the couch
- Be ready to act as face paint if an emergency rain dance comes up.
- Listen to my voicemails and make all my return calls.
- Apologize to anyone I know but pretended not to out in public
- Laugh at my jokes
- Tell me you've never met anyone funnier, and that my eyes sparkle like diamonds in the cap of a Elizabeth Taylor " White Diamonds" perfume bottle.
Did you guys give anything up? If not, please support my efforts to shun candy....or, if you're a true friend, Fed Ex me some Skittles, when you see me on the evening news, perched on the edge of an office building.
Until Next TIme, Readers!
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Posts
Good for you Paige! I had aspirations to do the same....i made it dessert free....until 8pm last night. Yes you heard that right, not even a full day could be completed. Dangit. Luckily the babe doesnt have teeth yet or he/she would probably already have cavities;)
ReplyDeleteDesert is another brave one! I had to pick between the two. It couldn't be candy and desert, or I was begging for a nervous-pregnant breakdown...LOL
DeleteWhen my Italian son-in-law first came to the US, he refused to even try sour cream--he wanted to know why anyone would deliberately eat cream that had turned sour!
ReplyDeleteOne of the advantages of being a Jewish agnostic--I can eat Skittles any time. Oh, look, there's a box over there!
Ahhh! Fishducky, you're gonna make this hard on me. I can already tell...LOL Now, send me any Skittles you have left...
DeleteI'm sorry, Paige, but I just don't understand the phrase, "...any Skittles you have left"!!
DeleteDon't make me fly all the way out there to have you drive me to the grocery store and make you buy me some more...LOL
Deleteyou are a brave brave woman...I also in the pregnant during lent camp did not hate myself enough to give up candy... but you did inspire me to go grab a costco sized tub of sourcream and pour it over every meal I make since I was dumb enough to give up eating out.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to do my absolute best to not eat me some delicious candy, but am afraid of the super-craving that refuses to be ignored while pregnant. You know those don't go away for days..lol Eating out would be really hard. Sour cream shall bring you through it!
DeleteWhen we lived in Ireland over 20 years ago, 'sour cream' was not a good word. I think that has changed.
ReplyDeleteYes, I could see it having negative connotations in random places around the world..lol I love it, but I'm still not sold on the name.
DeleteWhy are you all making me hungry? Thankfully I don't practice lent. But I try to give up all those sweet things anyway. Unfortunately, every time I do I end up craving them all the more. I've been craving chocolate all day. :(
ReplyDeleteDebra Kristi
Oh Debra, why'd you have to go and mention chocolate, and right after Husband just ate some in front of me? I nominate you as my support, since you avoid the sweets like the boss you are...:)
ReplyDeleteGood luck, kiddo. I have a fierce sweet tooth, but for some reason, when I was pregnant, (back in the Dark Ages) I craved sour. Especially sauerbraten. My poor husband. Seems like I was forever marinating beef in the fridge, and wanted to slurp the gravy right out of the pot like a dish of ice cream. Weird, huh?
ReplyDeleteOh, if you haven't read it, I highly recommend Robyn O'Bryant's "Ketchup is a Vegetable." Laugh out loud funny in parts, and I think you may be able to relate to it big time.
Lent! One of the reasons I can't be catholic.. Sigh. You are a better person than I am my friend. I wish you luck in your endeavor but seriously don't eat the sour cream straight. If you do don't tell me about it. I may puke a little in my mouth.. :)
ReplyDeleteI have not given up anything, but you have inspired me! Ha! I laughed out loud at the Sour Patch kids and their families hugging and crying it out. Ha! Love that.
ReplyDeleteI feel so sorry for my grandmother, gone these many years. Poor woman, had to make do with a heating pad, when she dearly would have loved a laptop to apply to her aching knees.
ReplyDeleteDear Paige,
ReplyDeleteHaving been born and bred a Catholic, spending years in Catholic grade and high school and colleges, entering the convent, I think I know a little about Lent and its practices. In my youth, I gave up things--usually candy. But now that I've grown older and whiskers sprout on my chin I've learned not to give up but to add--something that's takes thought and time and compassion. Like listening to someone who tends to put me to sleep or taking a casserole to someone who always finds me wanting. You get the picture. This year I'm trying to expand my world and let go of my need to spend most of my time alone. I'm giving UP time, but adding the presence of others. Does that make sense???
Peace.
The boss I am? Guess I shouldn't have bought that bag of chocolates at the store today then. :( Here, you better come take them from me.
ReplyDeleteDebra Kristi