Thursday, February 23, 2012

A Letter of Admiration To Sour Cream

"Thou makest my chips even more  extreme..."

Afternoon Readers,

     In case you missed the memo, yesterday kicked-off Lent, and a clean slate for anyone making the attempt to give something up for forty days. I'd like to say pregnant women and Lent mix really well, but it's extremely hard to ask someone who's expanding by leaps and bounds, to pick something to give up that they may or may not die without eating at 1am. In a blitz of bravery and stoicism, I targeted candy and pulled the trigger. That's right, me, candy, no eat. Sour Patch Kids all over the world just hugged their families and started weeping uncontrollably. Because of the new resolution, I've turned to my old confidant, Sour Cream, to be my solace. Today, I write to my dear friend...

A Letter To Sour Cream

Dear Sour Cream,

     How are you? I'm good, but the laptop on my bare legs is overheating my knee caps. As I never write you, this letter probably comes as somewhat of a shock After all, there isn't much conversation when I storm to the refrigerator, rip you off the top shelf and and shout, "You're coming with me." 

...I'm afraid I scared you, and I'm sorry. No one likes feeling as if they've been forced to reenact scenes from Ransom.

I'd also like to apologize for dragging you back to my bedroom and forcing you to watch TLC with me, for several hours. Husband says that cruel to do to anyone, but you had to sit in a tub, so that's even worse.

     Might as well get down to business. I've given up candy for Lent. Because of this, I'll need a go-to, when the urge to tie myself up in licorice knots and eat my way out, like a fat Houdini, hits. I soundly wish I could sugar-coat this horrible reality for you, but, that's life. I wish I hadn't found out I wasn't a size 6, alone and vulnerable in that dressing room, several years ago. Did you know, if you cry on clothes, you have to buy them...even if you turned them inside out, first?

That said, here is a list of duties you may be called up to execute at any given moment:

- Substitute for any and all varieties of dip.
- Be there to compliment a bag of Doritos
- Be there to compliment
- Be there to compliment bread
- Be there to compliment pitas
- Be there to compliment cookies
- Be there to compliment chili and assorted stews
- Be there to compliment anything I make off Pintrest, whether it calls for sour cream or not
- Be there to compliment pie
- Be there to compliment Ice cream
- Be there to compliment my hand - I reserve the right to eat you straight out of the tub.
- Be there to compliment anything edible found in the couch
- Be ready to act as face paint if an emergency rain dance comes up.
- Listen to my voicemails and make all my return calls.
- Apologize to anyone I know but pretended not to out in public
- Laugh at my jokes
- Tell me you've never met anyone funnier, and that my eyes sparkle like diamonds in the cap of a Elizabeth Taylor " White Diamonds" perfume bottle.

Did you guys give anything up? If not, please support my efforts to shun candy....or, if you're a true friend, Fed Ex me some Skittles, when you see me on the evening news, perched on the edge of an office building.

Until Next TIme, Readers!