Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Evolution of A Tax Return

"This year, I'll be investing my entire return in buying a curl for the right side of my hair.
Afternoon Readers,

     It'd been a vicious battle all 2011. While I insisted the bathroom needed to be re-done, Husband maintained all the windows needed to be replaced. Does my right bedroom window regularly whistle "Old Suzanna", while I watch the sheep I'm counting fall out of the left one? Yes, but I'd grown tired of watching the cracks in the bathtub's tile grow large enough to stuff a hobbit through. Still, when the tax return came in, Husband was just convincing enough to drag me to the dark side of window replacement. But then...

     "We have a leak." Husband stared at me.

     I checked under my spot on the couch. "Nope, we're good."

     "Seriously, the pipes under the sink are leaking and so is one in the basement."

     "Can't we just rent an ark?"


     "Ok, I called the plumber. He'll be out here tonight."

     I bit my lip." But, I'm in my pajamas."

     "You'll have time to change."

     "I said I'll be in my pajamas. It's still a weekday."

     "Go hide upstairs."

Friday Night:

     "Hi, I'm Dan the plumber."

     "Hi Dan. So, what seems to be the problem?"

     "All your plumbing is decaying."

     "Is that all?"

     "Yes. It seems your entire plumbing is carved out of animal bone, crushed dreams and that one album Cher released back in 2000.

     "Oh. Should we not use the sink for a while?"

*Insert four days of living off paper plates, and filling the dumpster with things that are killing the environment and asphyxiating small squirrels.*


     I open the door. "Hi Dan the plumber man."

     "Hello, Mrs. Kellerman. I'm here to rip out and replace all the plumbing. Now, I'll need the whole downstairs. I hope that's not a problem."

     "No, no. I thoroughly enjoy being trapped with two toddlers, in my room, for the greater part of a work day. For, you see, toddlers love being confined to extremely small places and being made to stay in one spot. Don't be concerned unless the screaming stops abruptly."

Three Hundred Hours Into Wednesday:

     "Mrs Kellerman?"

     "Yes, plumber man?"

     "I'm done, and you're now the proud owner of endless feet of pvc piping."

     "Thanks, plumber. We appreciate you volunteering to come out here and put all that in for us."

     "I'll actually need money, Mam."

     "Are you sure? Because I've got this giant wheel of cheese I've been dying to barter with."

     "You are a charming woman, Mrs. Kellerman."

     "Thank you." *Bats eyelash not clumped together with mascera*

     "That'll be eight-hundred-gazillion dollars."

     "Here's your check, Mr. Plumber. Please have a great evening knowing your kids will eat, tonight, and mine will be sharing that pop tart stuck to the counter behind you."

In short: Tax Return = Bathroom - bathroom + windows - windows = plumbing(800 gazillion)


Does your return usually end up where it's supposed to go, or do you end up having to re-grout your grout?

Until Next Time, Readers!