Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Evolution of A Tax Return

"This year, I'll be investing my entire return in buying a curl for the right side of my hair.
Afternoon Readers,

     It'd been a vicious battle all 2011. While I insisted the bathroom needed to be re-done, Husband maintained all the windows needed to be replaced. Does my right bedroom window regularly whistle "Old Suzanna", while I watch the sheep I'm counting fall out of the left one? Yes, but I'd grown tired of watching the cracks in the bathtub's tile grow large enough to stuff a hobbit through. Still, when the tax return came in, Husband was just convincing enough to drag me to the dark side of window replacement. But then...

     "We have a leak." Husband stared at me.

     I checked under my spot on the couch. "Nope, we're good."

     "Seriously, the pipes under the sink are leaking and so is one in the basement."

     "Can't we just rent an ark?"


     "Ok, I called the plumber. He'll be out here tonight."

     I bit my lip." But, I'm in my pajamas."

     "You'll have time to change."

     "I said I'll be in my pajamas. It's still a weekday."

     "Go hide upstairs."

Friday Night:

     "Hi, I'm Dan the plumber."

     "Hi Dan. So, what seems to be the problem?"

     "All your plumbing is decaying."

     "Is that all?"

     "Yes. It seems your entire plumbing is carved out of animal bone, crushed dreams and that one album Cher released back in 2000.

     "Oh. Should we not use the sink for a while?"

*Insert four days of living off paper plates, and filling the dumpster with things that are killing the environment and asphyxiating small squirrels.*


     I open the door. "Hi Dan the plumber man."

     "Hello, Mrs. Kellerman. I'm here to rip out and replace all the plumbing. Now, I'll need the whole downstairs. I hope that's not a problem."

     "No, no. I thoroughly enjoy being trapped with two toddlers, in my room, for the greater part of a work day. For, you see, toddlers love being confined to extremely small places and being made to stay in one spot. Don't be concerned unless the screaming stops abruptly."

Three Hundred Hours Into Wednesday:

     "Mrs Kellerman?"

     "Yes, plumber man?"

     "I'm done, and you're now the proud owner of endless feet of pvc piping."

     "Thanks, plumber. We appreciate you volunteering to come out here and put all that in for us."

     "I'll actually need money, Mam."

     "Are you sure? Because I've got this giant wheel of cheese I've been dying to barter with."

     "You are a charming woman, Mrs. Kellerman."

     "Thank you." *Bats eyelash not clumped together with mascera*

     "That'll be eight-hundred-gazillion dollars."

     "Here's your check, Mr. Plumber. Please have a great evening knowing your kids will eat, tonight, and mine will be sharing that pop tart stuck to the counter behind you."

In short: Tax Return = Bathroom - bathroom + windows - windows = plumbing(800 gazillion)


Does your return usually end up where it's supposed to go, or do you end up having to re-grout your grout?

Until Next Time, Readers!





  1. Replies
    1. Thanks, Anthony! I appreciate you stopping by!

  2. Old joke: Brain surgeon has major water leak problem. Calls plumber. Plumber fixes it in one hour. Gives bill for eight hundred gazillion dollars to doctor. Doctor says, "I don't make eight hundred gazillion dollars an hour & I'm a brain surgeon!" Plumber says, "Neither did I when I was a brain surgeon. That's why I became a plumber!!"

    Maybe not so funny, after all.

    1. There's got to be some truth to that. It wouldn't surprise me if plumbers are making more than brain surgeons these days. Although, I think I need a brain surgeon for writing that check...still trying to process it.

  3. Paige, is there a link we can click on for your newspaper column?

    1. My dear Fishducky, I'm so glad you asked. For your convenience, I'll be collecting them on their own page and keeping them on a tab at the top of the blog. Hope to have that done tonight or tomorrow...:)

  4. Oh the good old days of getting a tax return! I really miss those days. They were much more fun than trying to figure out the insane number of random forms we have to fill out just so the IRS knows what we are up to over here. We may not have to pay any taxes to them but I should get something for the rat maze of paperwork they make me do!

    1. That sounds like a debacle in itself. I can't imagine the paperwork they probably make you do! And I'm sure there's not a nice Irish Turbotax anywhere..haha

  5. Dear Paige,
    Oh, I'm missed the laughter that always comes with your writing. This one is a real winner!

    I've been gone from reading and commenting on blogs for about three weeks, and so am just now returning to your sense of the ridiculous! Your blog so delights me. It "tickles my fancy." Thank you.


    1. Dee! So nice to see you...:) I hope you had a lovely sabbatical, and, you're always welcome here!

  6. Oh thank God we are not the only ones with nothing but crushed dreams in our bank account! I've gone to telling the kids to wait for it then when no one is looking we jump into the dumpster and grab other peoples left overs. You should see what we have found. You could try it with the twins. I bet they'd find tons of food.

    1. Hmm...I guess I'd have to secure some string around there shoes to pull them back out, but that sounds like a valid option to present to the twins.

  7. oh, that so sucks! we found mold in our basement this weekend so it is likely that our tax return will be going toward the clean up and such. so awesome!

  8. Hahaha! I so love how you describe things. Love the visual of pipes being made of animal bone and Cher's old album. That is awesome. (Why didn't he go for the cheese??)

  9. LOL! Our taxes always go to crappy things, but I must say, our new washing machine AND dish washer should come in handy. I wanted to take a shotgun to the old ones after they were finally removed from our house ;)