Friday, April 20, 2012

Fanmail Friday: I Don't Care If You're Ugly

"If I hadn't left my letter opener in my glove compartment, I'd know what was in these envelopes."
Afternoon Readers,

     It's been a while since we've done Fanmail Friday, so I thought it was time to get caught up. Also, thank you for being patient with your queries;  I know it can be a little trying, typing in your questions, being inadvertently directed to my website, and then having to wait for me to give you advice. But you know what they say, my dear Readers, "Every cloud has a silver stitch in time on a Friday" ...I'm fairly sure Abe Lincoln said it first.

So let's get to it. Your most burning questions this week:
1.) "being ugly doesn't bother me"

     I see what you're asking. But does it bother me? Honestly, I don't care if you're ugly. I consider myself a two on a scale of beached whales to grounded albatrosses, so, if it makes you feel any better, it's fairly easy to outscore me. Even if you rank somewhere around the middle, let's say a "bald cat", you're still head and tails above my looks.

What I'm really trying to say is it doesn't matter what you look like. The only thing that matters when you get to my blog is whether you can read or not.

2.) "i have a high waist"

     The only real advice I, as a five-month-pregnant woman, can give you is to be thankful you have a waist. I haven't seen mine since February, and, this morning, I woke up to find my belly button touching my nose. So there's that.

3.) "kathie lee and hoda not getting along"

     I'm glad you checked with me first instead of watching their show, mostly because I watched it yesterday, so you didn't have to. They seem fine. I'd be fine too, if I could still drink at 10am without my neighbor knocking on the door and asking why I was, "not wearing any pants and doing the Electric Slide in front of the open window." And, did I know that his, "cat is now now so shocked it won't put on its sweater?"

4.) "funny metal stuff"

     That's a tough one. You know what I've always found hilarious? Lug nuts. 

5.) "need more where that came from"

     We all do. My best suggestion would be to bookmark this site, or write down the address on a post it, and stick it to the wall in front of the toilet. People go to the bathroom a lot. And when they're in there, I want them to be thinking, "I wonder what Paige is up to?"

     Well, Readers, that's all I have for today. As always, feel free to add your own advice, and remember, if you have any burning questions for me, don't hesitate to type them into Google and inadvertently find my website.

Until Next Time, Readers!

9 comments:

  1. Paige--I bet my non-waistline can beat up your non-waistline--& I'm NOT pregnant!

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    1. You're so on! Now, fly out here and we'll see who's waist is the most frightening. The winner gets a case of Reeses.

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    2. Get the Reese's ready! I'm flying in--got a seat in the "none of your business" class. I assume you're still at the Shady Rest Home For the Chronically Disturbed?

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    3. You'll know the rocking chair when you see it....ha!

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  2. Only you Paige! I've missed you woman!

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  3. I love your Ugly Scale! I'd rate myself at "unwashed badger."

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  4. Another word that always cracks me up: MULCH. I always say it as though I'm regurgitating. I don't MEAN to, of course. The word MAKES me do it. As for a description of myself, I'd HAVE to say 'plainer than dirt' except that would be SUCH an insult to dirt. Sigh. I LOOOOOOVE your blog & I think about it (and laugh) even when I'm NOT in the bathroom! YAY!

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