Friday, April 6, 2012

Get Your Hands Off My Bunnies

Afternoon Readers,

     Just popped in today to wish you all a happy Easter weekend. In a style I find becoming only to Husband and I, our weekend is being kicked off with a little, good old fashioned identity fraud. So, to whoever hacked our Xbox and charged lots and lots of stuff...just know that Jesus saw you. And He's rising this weekend, so there's something to think about.(That, and you shouldn't ever try to be me; it's a scary place inside this noggin, a horrid mess of bad jokes, Gin, and poorly chosen spandex.)

     If identity fraud isn't enough to make your hare (get it? Easter play on words) stand on end, do yourself a favor and also avoid the candy isle at Walmart, or any major super center for that matter. Yours truly went out under cover of night, in order to procure baskets, chocolate bunnies and eight pounds of jelly beans. I also picked up some stuff for the twins.

     Any time between now and Sunday is crunch time for many a mother. I know. I had to navigate around a solid wall of hefty ladies dressed in their best combat sweats. My own hooded sweatshirt didn't help me much when I tried to Red Rover my way to the Reeses Eggs. The biggest lady stepped in my way. "Where you think you're going?"

     Over the intercom, the soundtrack from West Side Story started to play. "I- I just wanted a peanut butter egg." I looked at my shoes. 

     She looked around and laughed at her friends. "You hear what she said, girls? She wants a package of Reeses."  Her linebacker friends laughed.

     I tried to dive under her legs, but she caught me by the collar. "Listen, small fry. We've been here since noon, looking for the good candy. This isle is spoken for."

     A lady in the back piped up. "Yeah, since noon."

     The big one eyed her. "Thanks, Judy. I can handle this." Judy went back to stacking Peeps.

     I twisted around her arms. "Listen, lady. I don't wanna rumble, and my choreographed dance-fight moves aren't what they used to be"

     "Can you use a switchblade?"

     I considered. "Well, I peeled a carrot once, but my mom put the safety on the peeler, so I don't know."

     She stuck her nose in my face. "Ok, you seem pretty pathetic. Get what you need and get out."

     Mincing more words wasn't necessary. Half the moms were drooling and decapitating chocolate bunnies. Two were melting pastel M&Ms and painting war stripes under their eyes. A small  one off to the side lovingly stroked a plastic egg. "My precious."

     So, after gathering what I could, and putting together some baskets for the babies, I think they're really going to enjoy the coffee filters and off-brand "Happy Esther" cards I snagged. I hope you all have a happy and blessed Easter. Feel free to share any and all stories..:)

Until Next Time, Readers!






  1. Paige, I'm Jewish, so I don't stock up on Easter candy. I'm going to have "Parting of the Red Sea" milkshake. But I have to admit those Reese's eggs could possibly make a convert of me!

  2. You know, Fishducky, if you convert and become a Catholic, you get a whole case of Reeses eggs...:) But, I tell you what, I could definitely use a milkshake right now. Will you put chocolate syrup in it? Pretty please? And a little chocolate Moses...I'm feeling particularly fat today..LOL

  3. Well ya know sumfin Paige...if i'd bin der wit ya, i sho nuff wood've gotten on all fo's crawled beehind the biggest lady, peeked up at ya from between dem der her legs and wink up at ya "NOW PAIGE NOW!"...but I gader here dat ya profablee thunk I wus talk'n bout fetchn fo' the Reese's eggs! LOL...Happy Easter weekend to ya 2!
    Tootles! ;)

    1. That's what I really needed, backup! Next time, I'm callin' you, Hope you had a wonderful Easter!

  4. Awwww I love Reeses and I can't get it here without ransoming both kids for a small fortune.

    May whoever is pretending to be you be struck down by frogs. Or locusts. Or something religious.

    1. This is a great tragedy, Sarah. They're really not that expensive here at all. Maybe I should do a Reeses giveaway and ship you a case. I wonder what it costs to get that much peanut butter across the ocean?..hmm

  5. You described the scene at my local Walmart perfectly (unfortunately). I went there yesterday for something totally unrelated to Easter, but of course they put their eighty aisles of candy, plastic grass, and rabbit pinatas right up front, so I had to battle through the gang of Sweatpants Mafia members anyway. What a nightmare. As usual I told my kids to shoot me if I ever turned the car toward Walmart again, but you know at some point in the future I'll need Twizzlers, a bathmat, and motor oil, and where else can you go to avoid three stops?

    1. I don't know how may times I've made the same vow, but, you're right; where are you gonna get Crisco, dental floss, and a new toilet seat, all in one place?

  6. You actually got in the candy aisle? I got shanked, right in the kidney when I approached that aisle. Now I not only need new eyes I need dialyzes.Insert deep dramatic sight here. lol Hope you had a wonderful Easter with your family. Gotta go changed my bandage now.

    1. See, if you lived closer, we could team up and face the frightening candy isle with our sheer I also hope you had the best Easter as well, Melynda!

  7. I love your blog. Wanted to let you know I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award.Found you via Kelley's Breakroom.

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